Fake Booze has stunned the drinks world by announcing that the winners of this year’s Crap Tasting Note of the Year Awards will receive a solid gold* ‘curled jobbie’ statuette.
‘Previously, we were going to do what every other competition does, which is knock out something half-hearted and cheap,’ said The Crappies’ organiser, Dee Fecation. ‘But we got a massive mystery donation from a tax-avoiding tech giant, and we thought “why not blow the lot on prizes for our beloved readers?”
‘Since most of them don’t give us a fucking penny it seemed the right thing to do.’
Manufactured by the famous silversmiths Brou d’Ogg of Ellon, Fake Booze has confirmed that the statues will be four feet high*, made of solid gold** and worth several million pounds each***.
‘From writing substandard articles to hoodwinking the public into buying utter garbage, the drinks industry has always been about polishing turds,’ said Ms Fecation. ‘Now this year’s winners will get the chance to do just that in reality.’
The Oscars of guff
The ‘giant golden jobbie’ announcement brings an added frisson of excitement to a competition that has already been called ‘the Oscars of guff’. At least, by its organisers if not by anyone else.
Results for the first Crap Tasting Notes of the Year are due to be announced in two weeks’ time provided the organisers get their bloody finger out.
Industry insiders have described the statuette as ‘the biggest pile of cack since this month’s trade magazines landed on our doorstep.’
‘Winning one of these would be life-changing,’ said drinks writer Boo Zhack. ‘Not only would my inane scribblings finally receive the recognition they deserve, but I would be able to sell my giant Crappies statuette and retire.
‘Though admittedly most people would find it hard to tell the difference.’
**again, not really
***what are you? An idiot or something? Who makes a four-foot high gold statue of a turd?