Decanter has unveiled a groundbreaking new soul-based financial model which, it says, will generate significant amounts of income for the cost of little more than its own credibility.
Interweb thingie
The magazine’s new Wine of all Nations Club (WANC), will allow subscribers to buy high-scoring wines from its judging panels and have them delivered to their door.
The final slogan for the service is yet to be decided, but in the running are: ‘Discover the joy of WANC’, ‘Do we have WANC for you!’ and ‘Fill your glasses with the best WANC ever’.
Initially the service is only available in the US, though the World’s Favourite Magazine hopes to roll it out in other countries as more of its readers discover the internet.
Giant leap forward
‘We’re so excited by this opportunity,’ said the magazine’s editor, Luc Rativ, as he unveiled the publication’s new logo Ennui Go!
‘Dispensing with unproductive, outdated concepts such as impartiality and replacing them with flagrant opportunism is absolutely where we think a globally-recognised journal of excruciating dullness should be.’
The new approach would, he told Fake Booze, ‘move us firmly from the 19th into the 20th century’, though he admitted that this has caused Jacob Rees-Mogg to cancel his subscription.
Rigorous
Critics have said that the scheme could bring into question the independence of the tasting panels, but the magazine denies this, saying it has adapted its process to make it even more rigorous.
As well as being asked to provide detailed notes, tasters must also now tick one of two boxes, either ‘Yes I score this wine over 95 points’ or ‘No – I do not want to be invited to future Decanter tastings’.
Stringent
The standard of the wines for sale through the Wine Club would be ‘consistently high’, said Luc Rativ, with only those scoring 95 points or above considered for inclusion.
The publication admitted that the percentage of 95-point wines had increased ‘slightly’ over the last month, from three to 80%, but said this was just a ‘happy coincidence’.
Blatant
Other publications were swift in condemning what they see as Decanter’s cynical move into commerce.
‘I can’t believe they would be so blatantly commercial,’ said a spokesman for Drinks Trade News International. ‘It’s a disgrace.
‘If they’re going to sell out they should do it behind the scenes and take cash for content like we do.’
Member of the public, Harry Sheep-Rustler, said he saw no problem with the magazine’s change in emphasis.
‘I used to be a poacher for years, and I made the career change into a gamekeeper no problem,’ he told Fake Booze.
‘Of course, I sold all my flock to my mates – but I made a good few bob out of it in the short term.’
‘Nose to tail’ operation
Decanter told Fake Booze that the Wine Club was just the start of an aggressive expansion plan that could see it planting vines and even buying a winery.
‘We’re looking to grow grapes, make wine, score it and sell it all in one,’ said Wine-Bore.
‘We’ll be a one-stop shop for all your wine needs.
‘Except decent writing.’
Click here to read about Decanter’s ‘toe-curling new celebrity interviews’
