Diageo breaks internet after releasing Q1 results as sea shanty

Album: Rob 'folk' Johnson

Diageo has become the first FTSE-100-listed company to have its financial results go viral, after the company released them in the form of a shanty video on Tik Tok.

Based loosely on the ‘Wellerman’ song that has registered 2.3 billion views since being posted last year, The Walkerman tells the story of life in the boardroom of a drinks conglomerate in all its gritty reality.

A bit of EBITDA

As well as hard-hitting verses about tough trading conditions in northern Europe and the dangers of landing a craft gin in a stormy market there are wry observations about Zoom meetings and a wistful yearning for higher earnings before tax, depreciation and amortisation.

The song’s immensely catchy chorus has become the surprise singalong hit of drinks executives everywhere, with boardrooms ringing to the words

‘Soon may the Walkerman come, with gin and whisky and crap spiced rum

Some day when the dividend’s done, we’ll take our shares and go.’ *

Jumping Johnnie

Analysts said they were ‘pleasantly surprised’ by the results – particularly the three-part harmonies, which were described as ‘a real step up’ on the usual ‘rather flat’ results briefing.

The company’s shares jumped like a startled dolphin at the news, with one analyst describing the Walkerman as a ‘game changer.’

‘Pernod Ricard and Bacardi will have to react to this,’ she told Fake Booze. ‘I’d expect to see a bit of barbers shop orchestration or maybe even some light a capella work at their six-monthlies.’ 

Whale meat again

Drinks historian Demi Quaver, however, said she was surprised it had taken the drinks world so long to embrace the medium.

‘Shanties are basically work songs designed to get everyone pulling together so they aren’t a bad way of uniting boardrooms,’ she said.

‘And since they usually deal with the rigours of life on board a whaling ship they’re a particularly apt medium for an industry that’s been all at sea for most of the last ten months.

‘As for all the high-speed fiddling, the gags just write themselves…’

*(c) Henrietta Place Music Ltd

Stop press: You can now view the recently-released Walkerman shanty here

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