Shock find at Jerez dig proves that dinosaurs ‘invented sherry’

Graphic: Rob Johnson

Historians and drinks experts are having to tear up their textbooks, following the discovery of a dinosaur skeleton holding a bottle of sherry.

The find – from a dig in Jerez – is proof that Spain’s famous fortified has been around not just for centuries, but tens of millions of years.

‘This bottle is even older than the sherries you find in your average corner shop,’ said drink archivist Monty Lado. ‘It’s a window into a long lost world. A bit like Decanter.’

Local media have dubbed the discovery ‘The Finosaur’, ‘The Ve-lustau-raptor’ and ‘The T-Rex with the PX’.

‘We really weren’t expecting anything like this,’ said dig site foreman Archie Opterix. ‘We were actually looking for signs of IPA consumption among diplodocus. So to find a perfectly preserved wine-drinking Tyrannosaurus was a real bonus.’

According to Opterix, the find is proof that dinosaurs had mastered not just basic viticulture, but also more complex cellar techniques such as the solera system.

‘We probably need to rethink our whole attitude to dinosaurs and winemaking,’ he told Fake Booze. ‘On this evidence, they were probably where most of Europe was 30 years ago.’

Paco Yerbags, head of promotional body the Sherry Trade Delegation (STD), said that the find simply backs up what his group has been saying for years.

‘Firstly, it shows that our product has a far longer history than any other wine style, particularly shit products like Montilla,’ he said. ‘But also, this T-Rex would not be drinking his wine in a bar – that would be ridiculous.

‘Clearly he was matching it with his dinner.

‘It’s proof, as we have always said, that sherry is an excellent food wine.’

Oloroso to extinction

As well as issues about dinosaur drinking habits, paleontologists say that the find also raises intriguing questions about the reason for the dinosaurs’ sudden disappearance.

‘Science has long favoured the “wiped out by a meteorite” angle,’ said Archie Opterix. ‘But now it’s possible that dinosaurs simply got into a huge argument about the optimum serving temperature for oloroso or drank themselves insensible on pale cream.’

The site has already been designated Unusually Interesting for Something Made With Palomino by Unesco, and the STD hope to create an interactive visitor experience there inside 12 months.

If approved, devotees of the drink will be able to see an authentic recreation of the Mesozoic landscape, complete with dinosaurs drinking different types of sherry.

‘The sight of all those ancient scaly creatures holding glasses in their hand – it will be amazing,’ Yerbags told Fake Booze.

‘And the dinosaurs will be drinking sherry too.’