‘I’m not having a mid-life crisis’ says Dom Pérignon

Photo © Nick Knight

Dom Pérignon has denied that it is in the middle of a ‘colossal mid life crisis’ saying only that it is ‘discovering its real self’.

Earlier this year, the brand was snapped in a compromising position with some tastelessly overpriced jewellery, and this week admitted to a limited-edition fling with popstrel Lady Gaga.

Once famous for pretentious yet boring concepts such as Plenitude 1, Magnitude 2 , Beatitude 3 and 50-years-on-the-lees Décrepitude 4, the puppyish antics of the cocaine-lovers’ brand of choice have certainly got up the nose of its peers.

Pathetic…

‘It’s pathetic really,’ said one source, who would identify herself only as Veuve C. ‘I don’t know what it thinks it’s doing – a brand with all those years on the lees, poncing around with someone a third its age.’

A poll on the streets of Epernay revealed a consensus that the brand had ‘no sense of shame’ and that there was ‘30 years of evidence to back that up.’

‘It’s almost as ludicrous as Roger Daltrey’s new fizz,’ commented Jean-Paul Gaultier, ‘although to be fair, no-one can make a Champagne brand look quite as ridiculous as I can.’

Lack of fizz

Some have suggested that the brand could be struggling to come to terms with its hundredth anniversary, which it celebrates this year.

‘As Champagne brands get older they often struggle to maintain a reaction, which can make them insecure, and lead them to do ridiculous things,’ said champagne journalist Otto Lysis.

‘Some try to complete a marathon-sized coffee-book project, others, like Moet Ice and Pommery POP go for an age-inappropriate new look to attract a younger crowd.

‘It’s all a bit sad and pathetic. Especially since no-one under the age of 60 can afford to drink champagne anyway.’

The real me

Dom Perignon dismissed rumours that it was changing its name to P Dommy as ‘mostly untrue’.

It also denied that it is abandoning its traditional market of gullible old consumers in favour of gullible young consumers.

‘Using the word ‘gullible’ is really derogatory,’ it told Fake Booze. ‘We prefer to think of them as ‘rich and stupid’.

‘And frankly, if they’ve got money we don’t care how old they are.’

All about art

The DP is Lady Gaga’s second collaboration with a major global brand this year, having teamed up with Oreos in January to make a limited edition cookie range.

The tie-in with Dom Perignon obviously marks a significant step-change in terms of prestige and reputation.

But sources close to the half-bottle-sized chanteuse have said she is ‘happy to make the step down in the interests of art’.