Handbags and ‘poo behemoth LVMH has offered Dominic Cummings a role as their new head of communications, brand development and strategy, according to made-up sources.
The Nosferatu-imitator left his job as Boris Johnson’s anus in chief at the end of last week and is rumoured to have big plans for his new employer’s flagship champagne.
Chef de Cave, Vincent Chaperon is to be replaced by an unqualified and expensive private contractor, and 70% of the advertising budget has been transferred to Facebook.
But most strikingly of all, as of January, Cummings plans to rebrand the world’s most famous prestige cuvée as Classic Dom.
The move is being timed to cash in on what is being described as ‘a huge Brexit celebration across the continent as both sides celebrate their impending destitution in style.’
Taking back control
True to form, Cummings’ bold plans haven’t gone down well with everyone. Drinks historians described the move as ‘a disgrace’ while a chuckling spokesman at Mumm said they had ‘dodged a bullet’.
But LVMH said they were simply ‘taking back control’ of the brand.
‘Naming a drink after a monk was probably always a bit weird,’ said company spokesperson Princesse Noix-Noix. ‘But given our core audience now is largely bad-boy rappers, botoxed starlets and coked-up fashionistas the whole association with celibacy and abstinence just looked wrong.
‘A cynical, staring-eyed career psychopath is a far better fit.’
A specially commissioned bronze of Cummings is to replace that of Dom Pérignon in the Epernay courtyard of Moet and Chandon. He will be naked apart from a strategically-placed champagne cork.
The company described the new packaging for the brand as ‘modern retro contemporary with a twist’ but said traditionalists would still find a link to the drink’s past through Cummings’ monastic haircut.
‘The good news is that whatever he decides to do to get attention – pushing a bus of nuns off a cliff, spreading disinformation about the echelle des crus or driving to Reims to get his eyes tested – people will just say it’s “Classic Dom”,’ said Noix-Noix. ‘We’ll be constantly reinforcing our core message.
‘Which, like every other Champagne house, is to do absolutely anything in the name of free PR.’