Drinks world slams Ukraine invasion as ‘bad for business’

Ukraine lorry
Original Pic: Vitaly Kuzmin, WikiCommons

The drinks world has united in criticising Russia’s invasion of Ukraine, saying it is a crime against humanity and also bad for business.

In a joint statement, Drudgio, Porno Ricard, Cackardi and Brown Foreskin described it as ‘a disgraceful act of aggression against a sovereign democratic nation’ saying it could ‘cause untold suffering for millions of innocent people.

‘Specifically our shareholders.’

Black and wheat

Smirnoff’s global head of sales, Rett Label told Fake Booze that Ukraine was ‘very much in all our thoughts’ and they hoped a solution could be found quickly.

‘It’s one of the biggest wheat producing countries in the world,’ he said. ‘So the longer this goes on the harder it’s going to be for us to hit our key price points for vodka.’

The incalculable human suffering was, he said, ‘likely to be a significant drag on Q1 sales’.


European wine producers have also been quick to register their disapproval of the invasion by rushing through lucrative orders in case there is a sudden freezing of Russian banks.

‘Weakening the Russian economy by charging inflated sums for indifferent vintages seemed the least we can do to show our solidarity with those poor people,’ said Rose-Anne Segla of Chateau Croquet Mallet in Bordeaux.

Tank battle

The New World has been even more aggressive, with rumours that the Australians are looking to send in tanks.

‘We have millions of litres of bulk wine kicking around since the Chinese locked us out,’ said PM Scott Worrisome. ‘We reckon blitzing Putin’s ground troops with vats of Riverland Grigio will kill them off before the Ukrainians can get to them.’

When asked whether this constituted a new offensive, he said ‘It is. Very.’

Innocent victims

Champagne producers told Fake Booze they were ‘incredibly concerned’ about the situation in Ukraine.

‘Make no mistake, this is a war that could claim many innocent victims,’ said Pierre Sur-Lattes of the Bureau de Bulles in Reims.

‘Particularly in champagne if sanctions prevent us from selling our massively overpriced prestige cuvées to the oligarchs in Moscow.’

Click here to read about how liberal whisky blends have been threatened by the advance of the ‘malt-right’; and here to read about the famous ‘Christmas Day Truce’ on drinks Twitter.

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