Drinks writing is all crap, say drinks writers

dung beetle
A journalist submitting copy yesterday

The drinks writing world has come together in a rare display of unity to agree that all drinks writing is universally rubbish.

A poll of members of the Group of Boozy Scribblers Hacks and Industry Taste Explainers (GOBSHITE) revealed concerns that too many journalists were simply writing the same articles over and over again.

Though there were examples of imaginative or unusual content, these too were also felt to be crap.

We’re all united

‘Our members are unanimous,’ said GOBSHITE’s president, Parker Roberts. ‘Drinks writing is dull, unimaginative and formulaic and has to change.

‘Though our members are also unanimous that it’s quirky, insubstantial and irrelevant and has to change.

‘Either way, it has to change.

‘They are unanimous on that.’

And we just can’t hide it

‘Drinks writing is broken,’ said Billy Crystals of the Cosmic Cabernet website. ‘So safe and boring! When was the last time you saw someone in a national newspaper write about the link between the planets and Riesling?   Or why dung is good?

‘What the public want are hard-hitting science-based articles that take them out of their comfort zone and challenge their preconceptions.

‘Like you’ll find on my website…’

We’re about to lose control

Boo Zhack, drinks columnist for the Daily Deadtree agreed entirely.

‘I wouldn’t say it’s broken, but it’s definitely irrelevant,’ she told Fake Booze. ‘There’s simply far too much esoteric weird stuff out there – people relating drinks to philosophy or talking about soil.

‘What the public want is a fun story about a dog, then six practical recommendations.

‘Like you’ll find in my latest column ‘Paw-fect summer rosés that cost less than a loaf of sourdough’.’

And we think we like it

‘I wouldn’t say it’s irrelevant, but it’s definitely formulaic,’ commented Ella Biscuits, who blogs under the name @dipsodrinkinggirl. ‘Nobody wants to see the same old dinosaurs telling them which rosés to have for summer or what biodorganic wine is.

‘What the public want is nice lighting and slightly flirty video content.

‘It’s the reason my ‘Best Free Wines in My Bikini’ post does so well every week.’

We know, we know

Long-term booze writer Tweedie St James was of like mind. ‘I agree entirely,’ he said. ‘There are definitely far too many writers who insist on giving you ‘stories’ or poncing about on video rather than describing the contents of the bottle.

‘What the public really want is dispassionate tasting notes, proper punctuation and an unrelenting focus on Bordeaux.

‘Just like you’ll find on my website.’

We want you… want you

‘Drinks writing is typically quite fragmented, with a lot of egos on display,’ said GOBSHITE’s Roberts. ‘So it’s great to see our members putting their differences to one side and uniting to fend off this unwarranted attack on their profession by themselves.

‘I’m so proud of them for telling themselves to back off, and uniting to agree on the most important point of all.

‘Namely, that they’re right and every other journalist is an idiot.’

Click here to read about the desperate measures being taken to save old drinks writers