Dry January ‘not in the national interest’ says government

The UK Government is urging people to give Dry January a miss this year and double down on their drinking ‘in the national interest’.

The plea is part of the ‘Put Your Empties to Work’ scheme – an ambitious new initiative aimed at using the nation’s discarded drinks bottles and beer cans to construct hundreds of new public buildings.

Have-a-drink heroes

‘Lockdown has seen Brits really embrace drinking at home with a passion,’ said Health Secretary, Matt Halfcock, ‘but tens of millions of bottles that are drunk in good faith are being wastefully thrown into the recycling when they could be used to construct schools, hospitals or lorry parks.

‘So we’re asking people to put their livers to work in the national interest to help us build a new, better Britain out of the empties.’

Led by donkeys

While the scheme has been welcomed by drinks producers, retailers and manufacturers of paracetamol, the medical fraternity has expressed some concern, with the Group of Doctors (GOD) describing it as ‘the greatest state-sanctioned health disaster since the Somme Offensive’.

However, Prime Minister Eton Twatt dismissed their warnings as ‘doom-mongering’.

‘People are doing something they enjoy, something they’re good at – and they’re benefiting the country in the process,’ he told Fake Booze. ‘Where’s the harm in that?’

Welcome to St Dipsos

The government is hoping to have enough raw material to build at least two ‘St Dipsos’ hospitals and an overflow lorry park at Dover inside 12 months.

‘Last year the British people showed a selfless disregard for their health, getting roaring drunk most nights,’ said Matt Halfcock. ‘But now we need everyone to show even more determination. We can’t slacken off in January if we’re to get those extra hospitals built.

‘After all, since doctors are predicting a big spike in alcohol-related harm it looks like we’ll need them.’