This year’s Dry January is being hailed as the best ever by anti-alcohol groups, with a record number of people embracing arbitrary and pointless virtue signalling before giving it up eight days later.
‘We’ve never seen so many people trying and failing to make a concerted effort to renounce alcohol,’ said Jenny Smugg of Really All Booze is Deadly (RABID). ‘It’s proof that more and more people are taking their health seriously.
‘At least for long enough that they can make a big deal of it on social media.’
‘The days after New Year are easy because everyone feels like death anyway,’ said Professor Lowan Knowe, head of Abstention Studies at the University of Michigan. ‘The first weekend after going back to work is when you judge how committed people are.
‘And on this evidence the answer is ‘not very’.’
Professor Knowe described this year’s combination of over-optimistic intentions, massive smugness and complete lack of willpower as being ‘worthy of Boris Johnson’.
Medical groups believe that Dry January could have a ‘small but significant’ impact on overall health, with those who manage to complete it expected to live somewhere between 20 and 30 seconds longer.
Though scientists have also warned that in some cases life expectancy could actually be severely shortened, with dozens of abstainers every year beaten to death by friends and family who can’t listen to their self-righteous drivel any longer.
20 years not a slave
‘I did it to prove that I’m not a slave to alcohol,’ said drinks writer Boo Zhack. ‘And I think that four days off has proved that conclusively – even if I was hung over for two of them.’
Giving up drink for a while had, he said, made him feel a lot better.
‘I’ve got so much more energy and clarity,’ he told Fake Booze. ‘Now I can really throw myself back into excessive drinking with renewed vigour.’
Fake Booze ran into Joanna Public in the car park of its local Pricefixer supermarket, where she was loading a case of Brainclot Estate Sauvignon into her boot.
‘I’ve done Dry January every year for 10 years, and I don’t know what all the fuss is about,’ she said. ‘Drinking nothing but dry wine for a month is a piece of cake.’
When it was pointed out that she was meant to give up alcohol altogether, she said ‘Why the bloody hell would I want to do that in the coldest, darkest, most miserable month of the year?
‘You’d have to be an absolute idiot.’
Click here to read about the shock revelation that alcohol is responsible for hangovers