The U.K. government has issued a staunch defence of its new duty changes saying that raising prices in a baffling and illogical manner was the ‘best way of tackling inflation.’
‘You might think that putting a completely unnecessary extra 50p on a bottle of wine might stoke the country’s runaway inflation still further,’ said a government spokesman.
‘But in fact since people will no longer be able to afford to buy the stuff at all we think it will have the opposite effect and dampen demand significantly.’
The government is encouraging the public to spend less money on non-essential luxuries like wine, and more on healthy alternatives, such as left-over PPE equipment.
Not complex at all
Critics have said the new duty system is unworkably complicated but the government denies this.
Westminster tax guru, Riyal Termz explained it in layman’s terms to Fake Booze.
‘Products with names beginning from a to m pay an extra 1-3% duty on a six month sliding scale seasonally adjusted for tax remittance,’ she said.
‘Whereas products from n to z pay sliding remittance at a rate of 3-1% on a seasonal duty tax. Then after a couple of months they swap round.’
The new duty regime is expected to be in place until everyone gets used to it, when it will be changed again.
Taxenheimer
Making the system complex to understand would, the government said, be good news for the economy since it would keep accountants, list printers, website creators and government helpline staff gainfully employed. At least until all the elements of the wine industry go bust.
Smeagle Maunders, MD of Uncritical Wines, told Fake Booze that his suppliers were finding it hard to understand the new regime.
‘Robert Oppenheimer would have struggled to make sense of this new system,’ he told Fake Booze. ‘Though putting prices up at a time when everyone is skint will have much the same effect on the U.K. wine industry that Little Boy did on Hiroshima.’
New margins
Retailers have raised concerns that, with the new duty increases, less and less of the cost of a bottle of wine will be spent on the actual liquid itself.
‘According to our calculations a £6 bottle of wine is now 98% duty and VAT with the actual liquid worth about 12p,’ said Shark Mormon of Marginslasher supermarket.
‘Obviously, we could just pass this cost on, stick with our suppliers and charge our customers more but we all know that’s not going to happen.’
The supermarket was, he said, ‘all about giving customers what they want, which is the cheapest booze possible even if it’s absolute filth.’
Le piss nouveau est arrivé
Producers all over the world have told Fake Booze that they are already looking forward to being able to empty their tanks of substandard piss.
‘Honestly, there’s stuff in my cellars that’s so bad even the Dutch won’t take it,’ said Arnie Batshit of Yellowfail winery in the Riverland. ‘So it’s good to know that the UK is there to help out.
‘With their post-Brexit race to the bottom I should be able to clear out my cellars in time to create another vintage that nobody wants.
‘God I love this industry.’
Click here to read about the proposed ‘personality-based duty system’
