EJ Go-Low launches luxury wine for ‘totally disinterested people’

EJ Go-Low - whatever
Pic: Unsplash

Californian wine giant EJ Go-Low has announced the launch of a drink with premium cues for people who actually don’t really care.

The wine – a cross between Apothic and Dom Perignon’s Oenotheque concept – is called Apathetique and will launch whenever the company thinks people can be arsed buying it.

Regional cues

While the exact recipe for Apathetique remains secret, lab analysis carried out by Fake Booze suggests that sugar levels – at just 40g/litre – are around half that of Apothic.

The bottle – a traditional Rhone shape, with glass thick enough to cause a hernia in anyone foolish enough to buy and then lift a case – has a label of a made-up chateau with a shrugging Frenchman smoking a baguette.

‘It was important to get in as many regional cues as we could to show that this is a genuine French estate wine,’ said Go-Low’s head of marketing Miss Ina Formation.

‘Even though it’s actually from our 4 billion litre grape processing petro-plant in the Central Valley.’


Retailers have welcomed the addition to the Go-Low range.

‘There are lots of people out there who want to look like they’re showing off a bit, but don’t want to make the effort to understand anything about the subject matter,’ said Shark Mormon of Pricefixer supermarket.

‘So something that looks European and expensive but still tastes like a bottle of alcoholised prune juice is right in the sweet spot. Literally.’

Critics divided

Early reaction from critics has been mixed. Apathetique received three stars in Decanter, 16 points from Francis Jobbinson and a rating of ‘OMG mega-yum totes delish’ from influencer @winetart.

However, wine writer cum scientist James Fabulous criticised it for an ‘unbalanced approach to aldehydes’ and ‘favouring ionic reduction over sulphitic integrity.’

In the States, reviewer James Sockthing gave the wine his lowest score of the year – just 94 points – slating it for being ‘unbalanced, unpalatable and shallow’.

On est tres content

We’re very happy with that analysis,’ said a Go-Low spokesman. ‘It means that the wine is a faithful reflection of the place where it was grown.

‘The meeting pod of our marketing team.’

How does Apathetique stack up in the grand scheme of things? Click here to read about our favourite launches of 2022

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