Europe’s bars hit with ‘highly pretentious’ new Brazil variant

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Officials have identified a dangerous new spirit variant, Cachaca-1, warning that it could decimate the European bar industry.

Symptoms for the so-called ‘Brazil variant’ include dizziness, nausea, dehydration, headaches and a smug sense of one-upmanship.

Drinkers who have been exposed to the mutation have been ordered to ‘have a word with themselves’ and self-isolate ‘until their self-respect returns.’

Artisan vulnerability

The new variant is thought to have been spread by irresponsible bartenders who brought back undeclared samples in their luggage after a ‘fact finding’ mission to South America. 

And scientists are warning that Cachaca-1 isn’t just stronger, but also a lot more pretentious than any existing spirits strains.

 ‘That’s what makes it so dangerous,’ said virologist Dai Pirinha. ‘European bartenders have an exceptionally high bullshit threshold, which makes them vulnerable to anything unnecessarily artisanal.

‘Just look at what happened with wild agave mezcal. That ran through the industry in less than a year, and most back-bars are still struggling to shake it off.’

Track and taste 

The government has introduced an expensive new track and taste system, and is calling on citizens to report any incidences of lime muddling, or the presence of half-dissolved white sugar in their cocktails.

Mojito lovers have expressed concern that this might mean they end up having to self-isolate unnecessarily, and the government is considering making them wear masks instead.

‘It won’t make any difference medically,’ said Prime Minister Eton Twatt. ‘But it was a golden opportunity to make Mojito drinkers look stupid, so we thought we had to take it.’

Face. Taste. Space.

Official Government advice regarding Cachaca-1 is that the public should follow the simple mantra of ‘Face Taste Space’.

‘If you see someone putting cachaça in their Face, they have no Taste, so give them Space.’

‘Cachaca has never been a problem before in Europe,’ said Twatt, ‘and we’re confident that we can beat it this time and go back to world-beating European drinks such as Bacardi and Jack Daniels.’

High cane potency

Scientists, however, have suggested that that very level of insularity could be part of the problem.

‘European immune systems just aren’t used to these levels of sugar cane,’ said Dai Pirinha. ‘We’re exposed to gin and vodka on an annual basis, so our bodies have developed a resistance to those.

‘But you also have to remember that many of those spirits have been around a long time and become a lot less potent over the years.

‘I mean, just look at Gordons.’

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