Fizz fallout as EU bans British sparklers on safety grounds

Pic: Rob 'Jabber' Johnson

Governments across Europe have put a halt on consumption of UK sparkling wines, saying they ‘don’t work’ and ‘could be fatal’.

‘We have major concerns about the so-called “Fizztra Vinuka” product,’ said Bent Kopper of the Protecting Europe’s National Interest Society (PENIS). ‘The acidity levels are dangerously high and it doesn’t comply with minimum EU fruit levels.’

C’est pas juste

The UK government has been quick to protest the ruling.

‘Given that most champagne or Mosel Riesling takes the enamel off your teeth, and there’s more flavour in a glass of tap water than your average Italian white this looks like double standards,’ said home office spokesperson, Pat Hetic.

The team at PENIS, however, are standing firm.

‘The situation for those wines is completely different,’ said Kopper, ‘because they are made in Europe.’ 

Lack of sophistication

PENIS has also expressed reservations about the use of what it calls ‘second-rate ingredients’ in Fizztra Vinuka. 

‘All our studies show that Seyval Blanc causes serious side effects such as inertia and even deathly boredom,’ said Kopper.

‘It might be ok for ignorant Brits, but you can’t expect these to be acceptable to a continent brought up on sophisticated drinks like Lancers, Mateus Rosé and Henkell Trocken.’

No side-effects

However Mainley Poshe-Boyes of the Society of Producers of English Wine (SPEW) said the European fears were wholly unjustified. 

‘Hundreds of thousands of Brits have taken doses of English fizz with no side-effects,’ he told Fake Booze. ‘Apart from a lightening of the bank balance, a bruised ego and a slight headache the next day. 

‘We know there are millions of people across the continent who have no access to decent sparkling wine at all and they’d love a shot of this stuff to get them through lockdown.

‘British fizz is completely safe,’ he concluded. ‘And even if it isn’t, it’s still better than cava.’

No retaliation

The UK government plans to have given half its population exposure to English sparkling wine by the end of this month, putting it significantly ahead of mainland Europe.

And UK ministers have accused the Europeans of playing politics with the quality of life of their population.

‘It’s disgraceful,’ said Prime Minister Eton Twatt. ‘This hypocrisy, ineptitude and nationalistic point scoring is just going to leave their own people worse off.

‘Who do they think they are? British?’

When I’m 65

The team at PENIS, however, refused to back down.

‘We have serious question marks over the attractiveness of UK sparkling wines with over 65s, under 65s and, in fact, people who are exactly 65,’ said Kopper.

‘All the evidence shows that it can cause a rise in clots and serious thickening.

‘Particularly in our politicians.’