Bored? Skint? Why not create your own glassware!

Glass pic:

Fake Booze has announced that it is to launch its own range of glassware, the Cachinne Collection, following ‘literally thousands’ of made-up requests from its global fanbase.

Speaking to Fake Booze, Fake Booze said the decision was the result of ‘careful consideration, lots of hard work and a sincere desire to jump on a lucrative passing bandwagon’. 

‘We clearly have absolutely no expertise in this area at all,’ said the magazine’s publisher, Al Kohol. ‘Which is perfect, since that puts us in the same boat as every other journalist who’s churned out their own range of glasses in search of a bit of ego-massaging and a fast buck.’

‘Tilt and Pour’

May Dupp, head of product development at the world-famous satirical magazine, said that its new stemware is ‘radically similar’ to anything that has gone before, having been ‘carefully put together by people who make glass stuff for a living, rather than journalists, who don’t.’

The design is described as ‘classical yet modern, functional yet elegant, and comfortingly familiar while still very different.’

‘You’ll notice that each glass is enclosed most of the way round, but with a hole in the top,’ said Dupp. ‘That was very much part of our vision and absolutely something we insisted on.’

This patented ‘Tilt and Pour’ system was, she explained, ‘designed to keep the liquid in place while still allowing people to get it into their mouths’, though it could also double as a ‘convenient way of pouring natural wine down the sink.’

Dynamically unincluded

Fake Booze said it had been involved in the project from the start, by ‘carefully not participating in the design stage’, staying ‘well back’ from the actual production and then ‘selflessly allowing its name to be used for the branding’.

‘We were adamant that this wasn’t just going to be an empty PR exercise,’ said Dupp. ‘We really wanted to make a difference.

‘Both to our bank account and also the industry’s soaring carbon footprint.’

Breast foot forward

The glasses are organic, biodynamic, dolphin-friendly, recyclable, re-usable and dishwasher-safe – apart from the ones that break.

The range includes glasses for red and white wine, a whisky tumbler and a ‘Spanish sized’ gin balloon that serves double duty as a goldfish bowl.

For sparkling wine, the range includes a ‘Carrie Antoinette’ champagne coupe based on the shape of Boris Johnson’s current wife’s left breast. 

Drinkers who want to drink fizz out of a bigger tit can buy a glass shaped like Boris Johnson himself.

Perfect present

Released just in time for festive panic buying, the Cachinne range is described as ‘perfect for people who know nothing about wines and spirits but have to buy presents for those who do’. 

‘Christmas is a wonderful time to bury bad products,’ said Dupp. ‘Just look at all the Christmas wine books, aerators, jigsaws, novelty corkscrews, personalised spittoons and other wine related tat that should have been strangled at birth.

‘But we’re totally glass half full on our new baby. Especially when it comes to coining it in.’

If you want to order a range of Cachinne Collection glassware, click on the ‘donate’ button below and we’ll take your money and go to the pub.

Click here to read about Riddle’s new ‘Pissoir du Vigneron’ range of glasses.

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