Fake Booze Retail is excited to announce an exclusive new reader offer, open only to its loyal readers – or anyone with a laptop and wi-fi connection.
The Wine Wotsit has been hailed as the ‘most significant drinks invention since the creation of Baileys’ and ‘not just a metal tube that we’re pretending has magical qualities’.
The latest in a long, proud line of utterly ludicrous wine gadgets, the Wine Wotsit costs just £20 ($160), and we think it’s a steal. At least on our part!
Made by the Polish Totalbolokz company, the Wine Wotsit can ‘aerate wine, remove cork taint, minimise oxidation and make it impossible to get a hangover’ all in one seamless process.
‘Previously, if I wanted to remove cork taint, I had to take my wine to a French sommelier, who assured me there was nothing wrong with it,’ said Mrs Una Real from Brigadoon. ‘But this handy device does the same job and doesn’t even need a tip.
‘I’m totally sold on my Wine Wotsit – and not just because the owners have paid me to say how good it is.’
Looking suspiciously like something we’ve picked up for free from a house clearance sale, this ground-breaking device is so easy to use even an MW could do it, and is safe for children over the age of six and most drinks writers, provided they have supervision.
You simply suspend your disbelief, then pour the wine in one end of the tube and let it pass through the invisible micro-oxy-TCA-sulfite filters to get a perfectly matured, taint- and hangover-free glass of wine every time!
‘My Wine Wotsit is totally amazing,’ said happy customer Mae Dupp. ‘It did everything it said it would on the box and more.
‘In fact I’d happily pay twice as much for it.
‘Do I have to read this bit as well?’
I want one!!!!
Clean, green, natural, and approved by the Goop Institute, the exact science behind the Wine Wotsit is a closely guarded secret.
But we can tell you that it works by ‘pumping out intense quantities of industrial-strength bullshit which allows it to remove unwanted notes from the user’s wallet’.
To order, simply send your bank details to Fake Booze and we’ll process your payment then disappear off into the ether like a Vodafone call centre. If you actually want to help Fake Booze you could become a Patreon supporter, if you haven’t already… you tight bastard.
Read here about the Screw You invention, created by French sommelier, Lucas Eucrosse