A distillery has released what it claims is ‘the ultimate expression of Scotland’ with the launch of a Tunnocks Teacake flavoured whisky.
Hamish McScrotum of the Ballbaggie Distillery told Fake Booze that their 12 year old ‘Tunnocks Reserve single malt’ fulfilled a ‘lifelong dream’ of capturing the flavours of two world-famous Scottish products in one.
‘Initially we thought about just attempting to replicate the sickly chocolate and marshmallow loveliness of the teacake in the flavours of the whisky by clever distillation techniques and adding a tonne of sugar,’ he said.
‘But in the end we just chucked a load of them in the mash tun and hoped for the best.’
The procedure was, he conceded, unusual, but had been passed by the authorities, because ‘we didn’t tell them.’
After distillation, the Tunnocks Reserve spent ten years ageing in oak before being ‘finished’ for two years in Irn Bru casks, which impart further sweetness, elegant hints of E-numbers and a distinctive dayglo colour.
‘On this evidence we’ll definitely see more Irn-Bru aged whiskies in the future,’ said spirits journalist, Dave Brush. ‘After all, we’ve had orange wine and orange presidents, so why not orange whisky?’
The drink was initially intended to further enhance its Scottish credentials by having the neck of the bottle plunged into hot fat.
‘But in the end we thought the idea of a deep-fried closure was too lazily stereotypical even for Fake Booze,’ said McScrotum, ‘so we dipped it in wax instead, which is a lot less controversial.’
It ain’t Arby’s
Food-flavoured drinks are a big trend at the moment, with US foodstore Arby’s releasing a crinkle-fry vodka, and Barefoot wine creating an Oreo Thins blend last year.
‘Frankly, Ballbaggie’s new creation is no worse than those,’ said Brush. ‘And significantly better than most of what’s come out of Jura of late.’
He had, he said, rated the whisky as ‘f****** pish’, which was midway between ‘f****** shite’ and ‘f****** brilliant’.
Professor of Irony at the University of Glasgow, Trent Chant-Observation, said that the Tunnocks Reserve was one of ‘the most meta’ product launches ever.
‘It gives drinkers a unique opportunity to match the whisky with the product they will later use to counteract the hangover that it’s given them in the first place,’ he said.
‘And if you understand that sentence, then you probably shouldn’t be reading Fake Booze.’
Ballbaggie Distillery told Fake Booze that a special collectors edition has been created for Burns Night.
It comes with a ‘sonsie face’, ‘groaning hurdies’ and added ‘thairm’ though nobody has the faintest idea what any of those things actually are.
Click here to read about how Barefoot Oreo Thins were responsible for mass palate suicides