People who hold their glass by the bowl to be deported

wine glass
Pic: PxHere

The global booze trade has signed up to a bold new measure which could result in anyone incapable of holding a drinks glass correctly being kicked out of the country.

Crude and Unacceptable

Under the new arrangement, proven drinks lovers will be able to report clueless idiots under the offence of Crude and Unacceptable Behaviour.

Written accusations, supported by video or photographic evidence, will be presented to an independent panel made up of Jancis Robinson, a senior member of the WSET and any MWs still awake after lunchtime.

Those found guilty of ‘putting their mucky paw prints all over a perfectly good bit of stemware’ will be deported.

Anyone in the drinks trade seen holding their Meursault like it’s a mug of tea will be banned for life.


‘Cupping has been – quite literally – a stain on our world for too long,’ said Rote Lerning, head of the Wine and Spirit Evisceration Trust. ‘So it’s great that we’ve come together as an industry to address it.’

Having ‘strong and robust’ legislation in place that everyone had signed up to would, he said, guarantee success.

‘Just like it has in the Northern Ireland protocol, Nato funding and 20 years of climate change conferences.’

Foofy tossers

Currently, there are four levels of offence, ranging from ‘Sorry I wasn’t thinking’ and ‘Oops is this a bad thing?’ up to ‘Sod you I’ll do what I like’ and ‘Stems are for foofy tossers do you want a fight?’.

Whisky tumblers are exempt from the new legislation, though anyone caught swirling a cognac balloon will be treated as a potential glassware terrorist and fast-tracked to the nearest airport.

Going Dutch

Global industry watchdog, Offpiss, which has helped to draw up the legislation, says that those convicted will be forcibly repatriated to the Netherlands.

‘We chose Holland because the Dutch generally couldn’t give much of a shit about drinks etiquette as long as what they’re drinking is cheap,’ said a spokesman.

‘So the bowl-grabbers should fit right in.’


Amnesty International, however, described the punishment as ‘unethical’, ‘inhumane’ and ‘disproportionate.’

‘It’s completely unfair to send people guilty of little more than ignorance and stupidity to a country with that much Heineken,’ they told Fake Booze. ‘They should at least send them somewhere with a better climate and cuisine.

‘Such as Rwanda.’

Keep it pristine

However, glass manufacturer Riedel welcomed the initiative.

‘We’re right behind anything that stops people messing up the pristine beauty of our stemware,’ they told Fake Booze.

‘In fact, we’re working on a covered glass to stop people sullying it with wine in the first place.

‘It’s definitely the best way to experience Sauvignon Blanc.’

Click here to read about Fake Booze’s radical ’tilt and pour’ glassware, or here to read about Riedel’s World Leader range.

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