Hot cross bun gin ‘captures the spirit of crucifixion’

gin crucifixion
Main pic: Lluis Ribes Mateu, flickr.

Alldie supermarket has launched a new gin liqueur which it says perfectly captures the true spirit of Easter.

The hot cross bun flavoured drink is being described as ‘the nearest way of experiencing some of the agony inflicted on Christ without actually having to nail yourself to a plank.’

Rise again

‘Obviously, Easter is a highly significant time for the Christian faith,’ said Alldie’s head of marketing, Dolores Anass. ‘So we were very sensitive to the whole concept of the resurrection.

‘Specifically, by hoping this gin will bring our profits back from the dead.’

Religious groups have accused the supermarket of a lack of taste, to which an Alldie spokesman replied ‘you wish’.


Critics have been split on the new bottle.

Idiot bloggers have enjoyed filming themselves prancing around in their pants and drinking it over ice in apartments clearly paid for by someone else.

However drinks journalist Dave Brush said that, given the choice between crucifixion and having to drink a bottle he’d ‘take his chances with the nail gun every time.’

Just the start

Alldie, however, believe that the launch could herald a new frontier in drinks gimmickry.

‘We’d always previously thought that if a drink made you regurgitate your breakfast in two sips it was a bad idea,’ said Ms Anass. ‘But that’s clearly not the case.’

She described the realisation that the public would buy absolutely anything if it had the word ‘gin’ on it as ‘incredibly liberating’.

‘With hot cross bun gin we really crossed a Rubicon,’ she told Fake Booze. ‘Since taste clearly doesn’t matter on literally any level, from here on, anything goes.’

Well… almost

Alldie already has a series of event-themed gins  in the pipeline: Pumpkin gin for Thanksgiving, Sprout and Turkey infused gin for Christmas, and a cloyingly sweet ‘chocolate and roses double sugar’ variant for Valentines Day.

Only one flavour, says Anass, is off the table.

‘We won’t be making a gin that tastes of juniper,’ she told Fake Booze.

‘All our research suggests that people can’t stand it.’

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