Champagne under threat as Irn Bru awarded AOC status

Irn Bru
Illo: Rob 'Orange man' Johnson

Irn Bru has become the world’s first manufactured soft drink to be awarded its own appellation.

Making the announcement, the team at the Committee for Handing Out PDI Status (CHOPDIS) said that the decision was a recognition of the drink’s uniqueness  ‘specifically, containing fewer natural ingredients than any other liquid on earth’.

‘We’ve got the lot…’

Sid Trick-Acid, who has been campaigning for Irn Bru’s appellation status for 40 years, told Fake Booze that the decision was long overdue.

‘When it comes to top class fizz, we’ve got the lot,’ he told Fake Booze.

‘A cooler climate than Champagne, less sugar than your average prosecco and a better reputation than cava.’

Strict safeguards

The new ruling puts stringent regulations on the drink’s production, with the number of flavouring agents strictly limited to ‘no more than 32’.

The addition of sugar and acid are both ‘strictly mandatory’, and to qualify for the AOC, all Irn Bru products must be the exact same colour as Donald Trump’s face.

The safeguards, are described as ‘most definitely a guarantee of typicity rather than quality’.

Irn Cru

The ‘Scottish Champagne’ is following what it calls a ‘Burgundian model’.

Only producers from within the boundaries of the town of Cumbernauld can put the words Irn Bru on their label, though those from the surrounding area may use the more generic ‘Cremant de Cumbernauld’ classification.

Soft drink producers from outside these boundaries will only be able to label their products ‘sparkling water with ammonium ferrate citrate and colouring agents’, though they may elect to use the EU-approved descriptor ‘fizzy shite’ if they prefer.

Bru millésimé

The vast majority of Irn Bru is sold unaged, though some producers are pushing single-year vintage expressions, with bottles spending a minimum of 18 months ageing ‘sur tartrazine’ before release.

‘The changes from one year to the next are subtle but they’re definitely there,’ said Trick-Acid.

‘Particularly if you’re talking about the ongoing deterioration of your teeth and increased susceptibility to diabetes.’

Dégustation publique

It’s hoped that the creation of a tourist trail will encourage both foreign visitors and a new generation of ‘craft bru-ers’  who will ‘go out and push the concept of man-made artificiality to the limits.’

‘Being able to taste aspartame in the place where it’s made and with the person responsible for actually blending the E-numbers would be the icing on the cake for tourists,’ said CHOPDIS.

‘Though probably slightly sweeter.’

Perfect serve

Isla Pourit from the Association of Scottish Sommeliers Hospitality and Trade (ASSHAT) said it was important that somms round the world learned how to store and serve the drink.

‘Most Irn Bru tastes best straight from a can, after two minutes inadequate chilling in a corner-shop fridge,’ she said.

‘Though fine dining venues might prefer a more formal serve from a one-litre plastic magnum.’

These, she said, should be served at room temperature to allow the flavours to develop.

‘Traditionally Irn Bru is drunk on its own, just like Champagne,’ she told Fake Booze. ‘Though I’d argue that it’s a much better partner with food than méthode traditionelle drinks.

‘Particularly for hard to match-to-match dishes such as salt and vinegar crisps and Tunnocks tea-cakes.’

Click here to see A-list celebrity endorsement of the announcement of Irn Bru’s AOC status

No posts to display