Controversial one-time terroirist sympathiser Babychamima Begum has offered her services to help fight ‘the international curse of zero intervention winemaking’.
The rise of IS
Babychamima left the UK ten years ago to join the hardline natural wine organisation IS (Intifada of Steiner) as a winemaker’s teen bride.
Now she wants to return to Europe to help ensure that ‘nobody else has to experience as many wine faults as I did.’
‘The War on Terroir is real,’ she told Fake Booze. ‘And I want to be a part of it.’
Ignoble rot
Hardliners maintain that Babychamima should ‘stay abroad to rot in her sulphur-free winery’.
But her friends and family claim she was an innocent victim of peer pressure who had been ‘groomed by cellar workers with large beards who want to turn the clock back to the stone age.’
‘These people pose as caring environmentalists to make you think you’re joining something special,’ said Babychamima’s friend Ali Kahol. ‘But actually they just want a slave to spend all day answering press queries.
‘It’s like an internship at Moet Hennessy but with worse grooming.’
Self-loathing
‘No one can hate me more than I hate myself for all the completely undrinkable wine I’ve helped inflict on the world,’ said the tearful ex-terroirist. ‘Now I know how the Freixenet 0.0% Alcohol Free Sparkling Pink winemaker feels.’
She said she would ‘rather die than go back to drinking cloudy Pet Nats fermented in goat scrotums’.
Though experts in counter-terroirism have said that the latter often precedes the former in any case.
Citizen of nowhere
Babychamima has said she dreams of helping pay back for her misguided devotion to Intifada of Steiner by working on a wine of her own that’s ‘big, fruity, stuffed with oak, filtered within an inch of its life and completely indeterminate in origin’.
‘Something like Apothic would be perfect’.
Click here to read about science’s ruling that it’s ‘OK to call a wine paleo’
