Jeremih Chardonnay is just pants, say critics

Jeremih wine

R&B star Jeremih says he’s going all out to corner the ‘unreconstructed sexist’ market of wine drinkers with the launch of his new Birthday Sex label.

The wine, which features an elegant, understated pink lacy thong on the label is described as ‘putting the hard-on into Chardonnay.’


‘I really feel that the knuckle-dragging misogynist demographic has been poorly served by the wine category as a whole,’ Jeremih told Fake Booze. ‘Which makes no sense when you look at most of the people who sell, drink or write about the stuff.’

The label, he said, had played incredibly well with male focus groups but had not been tested with women because he ‘generally didn’t care much what they had to say about things’.

Fake Booze tried to find the designer who created it but discovered that they had killed themselves in shame.

Pretteh good

Mr Jeremih said the wine was made out of Chardonneh and was not oakeh, and that he had plans to extend the range with an Aligoteh, a Caberneh and a Fumeh Blanc all in the pipeline.

He is also considering a more upmarket Bordeaux blend with the working title of Ho Brion.

‘There are so many puerile sexual situations to exploit,’ he told Fake Booze. ‘Drunken Fumble, Mid-morning Quickie, Cheeky Wank. I can see them all in supermarket shelves in the next six months.’

Jeremih dismissed criticism that the wines would be inappropriate and sexist, saying they were ‘still less embarrassing than Blossom Hill.’

Sleb chasers

The drinks press have been happy to cover the story at length.

‘I’m hoping that by saying nice things about it Mr Jeremih will invite me to one of those cool pool parties where people jiggle their butts in tiny bikinis,’ said Richard Gormless of Drinks Trade News International.

‘Rubbing shoulders with celebrities is the reason why I got into wine in the first place. Have you seen my selfie with Kylie?’

Free signing

Anyone misguided enough to order six bottles of Birthday Sex will receive a signed bottle from Jeremih himself and also get free feelings of self-loathing to last a lifetime.

Regulatory groups however have expressed concern about the launch.

‘This wine is incredibly bad for your health,’ said the World Hysteria Organisation (WHO). ‘Our research shows that it generates strong feelings of nausea – and that’s before you even drink it.

‘Frankly it’s just pants.’

Critics have described the wine as ‘flaccid, disappointing, wood-free and short’ making it ‘a perfect representation of most wine trade sex.’

Click here to discover why Kylie’s wines are not crap after all.

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