Kylie wines not crap after all decides wine trade

Kylie pic: Wikimedia Commons; Prowein pic: Messe Dusseldorf CTillmann

In what’s being described as the biggest volte face since Jancis Robinson chose wine writing over pole dancing, the drinks trade has decided that Kylie Minogue’s sparkling wines are not rubbish after all.

Mea culpa

‘I’ve previously been hugely sceptical of celebrity wines,’ said journalist Callum Inches. ‘Viewing them as an easy way for washed up actors and pop-stars to make a few quid while reminding their audience that they were still alive.

‘But it turns out I was wrong.

‘They’re also a great way to get hundreds of likes on Twitter.’

Remarkably pleasant

Master of Wine, Massey Vanus agreed.

‘I’d always looked down on sleb drinks as poorly made lowest-common-denominator hooch for the proles, with as much complexity and nuance as a WSET tasting note,’ he told Fake Booze.

‘But in fact they really can be remarkably pleasant way to spend half an hour, provided you don’t drink them.’


Observers were initially puzzled by the tectonic shift in viewpoint across the trade, but have since traced it back to the appearance of Kylie Minogue at Prowein.

The pint-sized popstrel’s presence in Dusseldorf has been described as ‘like the star that guided the magi to the infant messiah… only with slightly more hyperbole and definitely more dumb animals in attendance’.

‘It’s amazing how a lot of middle-aged men seemed to have a real interest in easy-drinking rosé all of a sudden,’ said exhibitor Chelle Scheme. ‘Maybe they thought drinking it would help stop their tongues hanging out.’


However importer Andy Pendent said that suggestions that he was there purely to get a selfie with Ms Minogue to show to his friends down the golf club were wide of the mark, saying they were ‘for the Pub Quiz team as well.’

When asked to provide a description of the product on show, Pendent said it was ‘Pink, sweet, light bodied and fragrant.

‘And the wines are probably about the same, but I don’t know because I didn’t taste them.’


A spokesman for Ms Minogue said the show had been a great opportunity for the Australian to discuss all the main winemaking issues with fellow professionals.

Key topics had included whether she was single, the importance of gold hotpants in export strategy and why she wouldn’t be giving 50-year-old booze hacks her mobile number even in exchange for an artificially inflated score.

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