Bags to booze luxury company LVMH has admitted that there are no plans to groom a successor to Bernard Arnault because they ‘expect him to live for ever’.
‘There has been much speculation in both the media and the business world about who might take over from Monsieur Arnault when he retires,’ the company said in a statement.
‘So we are happy to clarify that our existing CEO is a member of the undead and, as such, he could continue in the role for another thousand years if necessary.’
Elixir of life
Originally a Prussian aristocrat, LVMH said that Arnault has spent the last 300 years as a ‘champire’, who spends the days in a perfectly chilled cellar, hooked up to a drip of Clos du Mesnil.
Company spokesman Louis Treize said he hoped the announcement would ‘calm market jitters, reassure shareholders and make smart-arse journalists think twice before slagging him off in print’.
‘Clearly we aren’t trying to muzzle freedom of the press,’ he told Fake Booze. ‘But if journalists want to stick their neck out, they should be aware that it might get bitten.’
Self-styled ‘drinks monster hunter’ Vin Helsing, believes there could be dozens of such champires in north-east France.
‘They feed off gullibility,’ he explained. ‘Their favoured victims are either stupid rich people who buy overpriced prestige cuvées or sommeliers who think customers will drink zero dosage with food.’
According to Helsing, champires love everyone to be kept in the dark and absolutely hate anyone shining a light on their strategic decisions.
Completely impervious to residual sugar, they can only be killed by driving a graph of prosecco sales figures through their heart.
LVMH admitted that it might seem strange to have a luxury drinks business run by one of the undead.
‘But actually,’ said Treize, ‘when you think about it, it makes perfect sense.
‘Monsieur Arnault has one foot in the past, a ruthless yearning to drain people dry and is completely untroubled by human empathy.
‘Plus since he’s just grinding along neither alive nor dead he perfectly sums up the situation of most drinks brands today.’