The Macallan launches ‘most shamelessly venal whisky yet’

Macallan Grasp
Dollars pic: revisorweb, WikiCommons

The Macallan has launched a new super-rare whisky which, it says, ‘captures everything we are about as a company.’

Whisky journalist Dave Brush said this was ‘a fair description, since the project is opportunistic, headline-grabbing and unpalatable’.

Macallan describes its new whisky, Grasp, as ‘a very singular dram’.

‘It’s a single malt from a single cask with one single aim,’ said a spokesman. ‘To make us a tonne of money from people with not a single clue.’

The Angels’ Meh

The whisky is being released to commemorate the 81st anniversary of a barrel being forgotten in the warehouse during the second world war, before being lovingly discovered by a marketing team with an eye for a fast buck.

The liquid left after eight decades in the barrel is described as ‘the share that even the angels didn’t want’.

Oak-straordinary complexity

‘The more time a whisky spends in oak, the more complex and expressive it becomes,’ lied The Macallan’s chief distiller Mac Allan.

The whisky is described as having aromas of ‘oak, wood, cut tree, sherry butt and ancient hogshead’ with some tasters saying they were able to find ‘faint undertones of whisky’.

Subtly packaged

So as not to distract from the quality of the liquid, Grasp comes in understated packaging featuring three bronze hands thrusting out of the earth to hold the decanter.

Critics have said they ‘look like the end of a zombie horror film’ but The Macallan’s marketing manager, Allan Mac said this was ‘an insult’.

‘Each hand represents a key group of people who made this happen,’ he told Fake Booze. ‘The accountants, the marketing team, and the accountants.’

Taken all together, he said the grabbing hands formed a powerful symbol that ‘captures the icy venality of our incessant gouging of stupid rich people.’

Amazing value

The whisky has been ‘competitively priced’ at €125,000, making it significantly cheaper than a three-bedroomed house or space rocket.

‘You can’t drink either of those things, so we think that Grasp is really exceptional value,’ said Mac. ‘We just have to hope that there are 288 lobotomised people with an Amex black card who want to buy it.’

So as not to seem elitist, The Macallan are offering 20 year fixed rate repayment terms that can be easily added to an existing mortgage.

‘Having such an expensive whisky just proves that we’re the best distillery in the world,’ said Allan Mac. ‘And I’ve got a gold iPhone 13 ProMax. Do you want to see it? I bet it’s better than yours.’

Close relationship

The Macallan are confident that the six figure price tag will not deter top merchants from listing it.

The company says this is ‘Partly because we have an exceptionally close relationship with these businesses going back many years and based on mutual respect.

‘But mainly because if they don’t, we’ll stop selling them our other products which they might have half a chance of shifting.’

In spite of this compelling logic, the early feedback from merchants has been lukewarm.

‘I wouldn’t buy that shite if you paid me,’ said Dave Dawnies of It’s A Dramhouse. ‘It’s as dead-eyed and joyless as an evening with Prince Andrew.’

Click here to read about how Brora’s release gave Diageo a key product in the crucial ‘sub £30,000’ price bracket

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