Magazine publishes definitive guide to ’50 Best Advertisers’

50 best
Dollars:; number RauleteMunoz, WikiCommons

Globally ignored magazine Drinks Trade News International has announced a new set of awards: the 50 Best Advertisers.

Second generation tedium

The notly-anticipated list of winners went live today, with readers all over the world describing them as ‘the perfect thing not to read in your coffee break’ and ‘taking already dull concepts to a new level of ignorability’.

‘From wines to spirits to beers to importers, we have created awards for literally everything over the last decade,’ explained the magazine’s publisher, Kashfur Content.

‘We’ve even done the 50 Best PRs for Chrissake – and if that’s not an oxymoron, then I don’t know what is.’

Strict process

DTNI said that the 50 Best Advertisers had been chosen by a ‘stringent two-part judging process’.

Initially, judges considered each company’s brand management, strategic coherence and portfolio quality, before moving on to assessing ‘how much they spent with us over the last 12 months’.

The weighting given to these two stages was, said Content, ‘more or less equal, with 5% of the final score attributed to the first part and 95% to the second’.

Roll up, roll up

The winners are to receive unpleasant plastic trophies that look like they were won in a fairground, lengthy profiles in the magazine, and an expectant call from the magazine’s sales team.

The magazine profiles, said Content, would provide ‘in-depth sycophancy’ explaining why the successful companies won, as well as providing ‘easily-sellable ad pages right opposite to a company that, conveniently, has just had a vast amount of smoke blown up its arse.’

The concept, he said, ‘took shameless fawning to a new level – even for us.’

Competitor publications described the new awards as ‘an absolute disgrace because we didn’t think of it.’

Boys done good

Media analysts said that while it was easy to mock arbitrary awards such as this, DTNI should be congratulated on its achievement.

‘They’ve clearly put a lot of work into it,’ said Powerpoint irritant Klaus Ified-Ads.

‘And frankly, they did pretty well to find any companies at all who are spending at the moment, never mind 50.’

Read here how a drinks magazine accidentally shut down the entire industry

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