A group of whisky populists have stormed the Glen Capitol scotch distillery in protest at what they say is an unjust system that deprives them of their right to free whisky.
In scenes that shocked the world, the group of Malt-Right supporters smashed barrels, emptied stills and hung off chimneys. Some protesters were even filmed drinking whisky with ice in it.
‘We know that there’s gallons of whisky out there, and we know that we’re entitled to it for free because we say we are,’ said one protester, calling himself Snake. ‘The only reason we can’t have it is because snowflake pinko libtards are colluding with the Chinese to keep it from us.
‘That and their stupid “laws” stuff.’
Key among the Malt-Right’s list of grievances are the need to ‘buy whisky with money’ and ‘communist diktats that stop us driving while drunk’.
The protesters said they are prepared to destroy every scotch distillery and barrel warehouse in the country to get what they want.
‘Our freedom to drink whisky is in mortal danger,’ said Snake. ‘And we know that the best way to preserve that freedom is to smash to bits all the places that make it and then empty the liquid into the earth.
‘When all the whisky is gone the 5G immuniser space lizards will have to give us what we want.’
Blame for the attack on Glen Capitol – described as an ‘insurrection’ by Diageo’s head of scotch, Joe Bidet – was laid at the door of Dalmore Trump. Earlier that day the Malt-Right’s leader told a rally of his supporters to ‘go out and torch the nearest distillery’.
Trump, however, claims that his comments had been ‘misinterpreted’, that he ‘never said them anyway’ and that it ‘couldn’t have been me because I’m invisible’.
Free whisky for all
Trump has long stoked anger among his followers by saying that ‘only legal fraud’ would prevent them all from having as much free whisky as they wanted.
Recently caught pushing an unpaid-for trolley full of Glenlivet out of a supermarket, Trump’s defence was that they were his bottles in the first place and the retailer had stolen them from him.
Eighty-four subsequent legal challenges to prove his innocence have all failed.
Reduced to tears
Reaction around the world to the attacks has been emotional, with many other spirit producing countries reduced to tears.
‘Honestly, this is one of the funniest things I’ve seen for years,’ said rum producer Mo Jito of the Banana Republic distillery. ‘These idiots have been telling us how to run our business for centuries, and all along they had no idea.
‘It’s a relief to know they’re just as clueless as the rest of us.’