Manchester City sign Majestic in surprise loan deal

Manchester City
Pic: Higor Douglas, Wikimedia Commons

Manchester City has shocked the world of football by announcing that it is to add drinks retailer Majestic to its squad.

Sneaking in shortly before the January transfer window closes, Fake Booze understands that the move is initially a loan deal until the end of the season, but that the arrangement could be made permanent in the summer if things work out well for both parties.

Sceptics have questioned how a 50-year-old business will cope with the pace of the Premiership, though City have said that the average Majestic store is ‘not much less mobile than Harry Maguire.’

No bookings

‘Our football team might be peerless, but we’ve felt for some time that we were not quite delivering where it really counts – on the wine list,’ said City manager Pop Cardicola.

Reports suggest that Majestic will be supplying a large range of unwanted wines for the stadium’s bars and restaurants and a series of never-to-be booked tutored tastings for the hospitality suites.

Cardicola said it was essential that Manchester City’s catering arm had ‘a large number of unnecessary products sitting around the stadium and never getting used.

‘Just like in our first team squad.’

No booze

‘Obviously, being owned by a Gulf state we are very sensitive to the issue of alcohol,’ said a City spokesman.

‘While we wanted to increase choice for the match-going fan, it was also essential that we were not seen to do anything to encourage drinking.

‘So putting on a bang average range of products that football fans couldn’t give a crap about was the perfect solution.’  

No reds

No red wines are being stocked at the Etihad, in case it is taken as tacit support of city rivals Manchester United.

However, all the bottles chosen are being specially adapted to fit the ethos of the Premier League itself.

Each bottle is 250 times the price it would be in the real world and is under investigation by the police.

City also told Fake Booze that all potential customer orders will be investigated by a Vino Assistant Referee (VAR) before being illogically overturned.

Click here to read about last year’s planned ‘European Super Cru’ breakaway

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