Weirdo squillionaire Anal Musk has said that his first act as head of the world’s angriest social media platform will be to shut down drinks Twitter.
‘I bought Twitter because I’ve been concerned about censorship, cancelling and no-platforming,’ he told Fake Booze. ‘Well, that all stops here. From now on, free speech is back.
‘But not for drinks Twitter, which can get in the bin.’
According to Musk, while there was evidence that Donald Trump, QAnon conspiracy theorists, climate change deniers and Leninist agitators could learn to listen calmly and respect other people’s opinions, drinks Twitter was ‘beyond salvation’.
‘One question about genetically modified hops, wax seals or whether whiskey should have an ‘e’ in it and the whole thing kicks off,’ he said.
‘It’s as irredeemably toxic as Gary Barlow’s wine range.’
Musk’s move has divided opinion.
99% of people in the drinks world said they were on board with the decision.
‘Frankly, I’m delighted,’ said one drinks importer. ‘Now I won’t have to spend hours every day reading about how terrible everything is, posting pictures of my lunch and liking boring tweets from clients just to ensure they keep spending money with me.’
However enfant terrible of drinks media, @WineSpurter, said the move amounted to ‘Putinesque censorship’.
‘Closing down free speech in this way is a disgrace,’ he told Fake Booze. ‘Everyone has a right to hear what I have to say on everything, 56 times a day, 365 days a year.’
The fact that most of Twitter wanted to rip his texting digits off and stick them up his nostrils was, he said, ‘proof that he was telling the unpalatable truth.’
Makers of celebrity wines, stupid novelty IPAs and overpriced limited-edition whiskies also raised concerns.
‘Having drinks experts criticise our products has been a key part of our marketing strategy,’ they told Fake Booze. ‘As soon as the general public realise that the trade don’t like something they flock to buy it in their droves.’
A shellacking by the cognoscenti on Twitter was, they said, ‘the best endorsement we could have and honestly the only reason why we make our products so appalling in the first place.’
Musk, however, was unrepentant.
The logic-bothering man-child said he would ‘drive anyone who doesn’t like my decision to the space station in a vastly overpriced executive dodgem car, put them in a cock-shaped rocket and fire them up the black hole of their own ass.’
Wine Spurter’s 24-post thread on the topic has been adopted by schools as a warning to children of both the dangers of social media and a career in the drinks industry.
Shares in Diageo and Pernod Ricard have tumbled, following a tweet from Anal Musk two minutes ago, saying ‘Thinking of buying world’s two biggest drinks companies so I can get a decent cocktail whenever I need it. What do you think Twitter?’
‘Obviously we oppose this idea,’ said both companies in a hurriedly-released joint statement. ‘We couldn’t have someone with no experience in charge of the drinks world’s two biggest names.
‘They might make a good decision by accident.’