No 3 gin has announced a ‘groundbreaking brand management technique’ that, it claims, will make their gin more profitable and more competitive literally overnight.
Developed by a team of specially trained marketing cynics, ‘Project Shrink’ uses highly complex algorithms that ‘re-size, repurpose and re-energise premium brands to maximise their value and volume intersection co-efficient profitability-wise’.
‘Basically,’ said brand manager, Juniper Spirit, ‘we’re making the bottle smaller.’
Less but lesser
Ms Spirit said that the move was being introduced to take account of a big consumer shift in drinking habits.
‘People are drinking less but better,’ she told Fake Booze. ‘Or in our case, just less. Probably because we are so overpriced.’
Ms Spirit said that the gin’s high RRP was ‘unrelated’ to its baffling and expensive commitment to attaching a large metal key to every bottle.
Once more to battle
Brand iteration consultant and general irritant Mark Eting-Spend told Fake Booze that dropping the bottle size from 70cl to 50cl would allow No 3 to ‘fight at price points where it hasn’t been seen in years – such as prices that people typically look to pay for gin.
‘At least,’ he went on, ‘it will provided consumers don’t notice that it’s two-thirds the size of every other bottle on the shelf.’
Barely noticeable changes
No 3, however, remained confident that its fans would not have a problem with the new bijou format.
‘By constantly redesigning the bottle to make it weirder, we’re confident that the gin’s fans no longer pay any attention to what it looks like,’ said Ms Spirit. ‘I mean, if they did they wouldn’t buy it, right?’
The company maintained that the changes were, in any case, barely noticeable to the average consumer.
‘Even though we’re shrinking the bottle size by a barely discernible 30%, our RRP will shrink by an even less barely discernible 20%,’ said Ms Spirit.
‘So the only people we’d expect to really notice the difference would be our accountants.
‘And obviously they’re delighted.’
No 3 has said that if the half-litre roll-out is a success it could consider extending Project Shrink still further.
Its R&D teams are looking at creating an entire range of ever-smaller bottles in a ‘Russian Doll’ format, from a one-litre ‘baboushka’ down to a ‘mini-mini’ 10ml. The intention, it said, was to be able to ‘rip money out of people at all the key price points’.
‘Our target market is stupid rich people who struggle with basic maths,’ said Ms Spirit.
‘But there are plenty of people who will drink these besides Boris Johnson.’
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