Countries across Europe have united to ban the Omicron variant, saying that it ‘no longer fits with the virus rules of our appellations’.
Virus non typique
‘Our regulations were clearly created at the launch of Covid to ensure Coronavirus typicity,’ said Mal Aise of the Office for the Interpretation of Viruses (OIV) in France. ‘And I’m afraid that the big mutations in spike protein mean that Omicron is no longer a true expression of Coronavirus.
‘It might be OK for the New World,’ he told Fake Booze, ‘but in terms of typicity it is far below the historically approved Covid mutations we have always preferred in France.’
While ‘international variants’ were not permitted in classic French vineyards, Monsieur Aise pointed out that it was perfectly legitimate for the virus to spread throughout France provided it clearly labelled itself as a Virus de Table.
Rudolf Bullscheisser
In Germany, the variant’s rise has led to clashes between defendants of the QbA (Quite Badly Affected) rules and the so called Natural Vein movement.
The latter reject conventional ‘virus free’ thinking in favour of a biodynamic approach that involves burying all logic in a sizable amount of bullshit in the Scheissgarten vineyard.
‘The official regulations are simply oppressive,’ said Wolfi Grin of the zero intervention I Heart Covid pressure group. ‘And provided you ignore the evidence, there’s no evidence that hundreds of highly qualified and experienced scientists have any more knowledge about this than we do.’
He and his Natural Vein members, he said, were ‘rejecting science on a point of principle – however unpalatable and potentially fatal the end result might be.’
No Lebensraum
However, Immenz Kopfschmerzen of the Deutsches Wein Immunisation group (DWI) was dismissive of such thinking. ‘Omicron is not indigenous to this country,’ he said. ‘And we do not accept that there is any room for it in our industry at all.’
Germany’s rules and regulations on this matter were, he said, written down for anyone to read, in a pedantically incomprehensible 4000 page document mostly consisting of words of 40 letters or more.
‘We are absolutely clear on this,’ he told Fake Booze. ‘The only things that are permitted to give you a headache and feelings of nausea in this country, are the existence of sekt and trying to understand German wine law.’
Va bene
Italian wineries said they were right behind the ban, though in their case it was unnecessary because Omicron had disappeared.
Official sources confirmed that while it had been widespread in the country as recently as yesterday, the strain had been eradicated overnight simply by relabelling it all as Pinot Grigio.
Click here to read about how masks can cut the transmissibility of drinks bullshit by 90%; here to read about the new ‘more transmissible’ strain of Pinotage, or here to read about the new vaccination delivered through craft gin
