Organisers of the Oscars, the Academy of Random Glitzy Hero-worship (ARGH) has announced that this year’s awards will be the last in its current format. From 2022 the awards are to be reworked to be more like a typical drinks competition.
‘Literally every single drink-related competition is described as being ‘the Oscars of the wine/whisky/restaurant world,’ said Ham Board-Treader, president of ARGH. ‘And since they never seem to receive any flak over lack of BAME representation or insufficient numbers of female winners, despite being massively dominated by middle-aged white men, we figured maybe we could learn from them.’
The organisers have said that, after careful analysis of the biggest 250 drinks competitions worldwide they will be carrying out the following four changes from next year.
1. Higher level of top awards
Until now, the Oscars has simply had shortlists and a ‘Best’ winner for each category – something which the Academy now admits was ‘a schoolboy error.’
‘Drinks competitions have Golds, Double Golds, Platinums, and Trophies,’ said Board-Treader. ‘Frankly, a drink has to be borderline toxic to get below a Silver.’
According to ARGH, the message that this sends – ‘that everyone is a winner even if they’re crap’ – had tested particularly well with Millennials.
From 2022, the Oscars will feature ‘Best’, ‘More Best’ and ‘Bestest’ awards in each category.
2. More categories
Currently, the Oscars has relatively few categories, with the most famous being Best Picture, Best Actor and Best Makeup and Hairstyling – something which the Academy now describes as ‘a schoolboy error’.
‘It was too limiting,’ said Board-Treader. ‘I mean look at the way drinks competitions adapt their categories so they can give out awards for literally anything that comes in. ‘Best Hungarian Pinot Noir under £10’ ‘Best Spelling mistake on a Back Label’, ‘Best Pork Barrel Finished Single Malt’.’
From 2022, the Academy says it will ‘slightly increase’ the number of awards categories from 23 to 156. Rumours suggest these could include ‘Most Vowels in a Film Title’, ‘Most Tediously Virtuous Plotline’ and ‘Most Vociferous Denial of Sexual or Racial Impropriety During Filming’.
3. Charging to enter
Thus far, films pay nothing to enter the Oscars – something which the Academy now admits was ‘a schoolboy error’.
‘If we’ve learned one thing from drinks competitions, it’s that the way to guarantee quality of entries is to charge people to take part,’ said Board-Treader. ‘It keeps out the annoying small producers and lets the big guys take centre stage where they belong.
‘That’s why we’ve had loads of turkeys picking up Oscars, but no crap drink has ever won a medal in a booze competition.’
4. More discretionary awards
As well as more categories, Board-Treader has said the Academy is looking at introducing more discretionary awards.
‘Everyone loves stuff handed out at random with no real thought or structured judging process,’ he said. ‘And the drinks world does this brilliantly.
‘Their message – that if you hang around long enough you’ll be rewarded simply for not moving on or dying – is truly inspirational.’
Slightly longer
With the new categories, increased winners and extra discretionary awards, the Academy estimates that the Oscars ceremony might take slightly longer next year than it’s usual three hours.
‘We’re looking at about 12 hours,’ said Board-Treader.
‘Though that’s still less than the IWC or Decanter…’
Click here if you want to find out about Fake Booze’s anti-competition – the Crap Tasting Note of the Year awards.
