Pricefixer, the worldwide supermarket chain, has unveiled a wine festival dedicated entirely to New Zealand Sauvignon Blanc.
‘Our customers love Kiwi Sauvignon!’ explained Bryn Cote-Estate, Pricefixer’s Head of Ambient Drinks and Salted Snacks. ‘So we thought, why not really go for it?’
The supermarket – slogan ‘Cheapening Your Life’ – will be removing all non-Sauvignon and non-New Zealand wines from their shelves for the duration of the 18-month ‘Zestival’.
‘Frankly, I’m not sure why we even bother selling the other wines anyway,’ declared Cote-Estate. ‘I mean, who the hell buys Slovenian skin-contact whites? That stuff’s just there to make critics think we give a shit about wine.
‘No, it’s Kiwi Sauvignon that people want, so from now on it’s Kiwi Sauvignon they’re going to get!’
The wine buying team have taken an estimated 50% of New Zealand’s entire production of Sav – much of it in radical new formats.
‘Bottles and bag-in-box are so twentieth century,’ said Cote-Estate. ‘Where’s the innovation? We’re going to trial some amazing new wine delivery solutions that give the customer their Kiwi Sauvignon in an uncritically gluggable format, twenty-four-seven!’
Key innovations at their Zestival include:
- A new 50-litre barrel of Sauvignon as an eco-friendly ‘monthly family shop’ option.
- A ‘Pyrazines with your Benzine’ promotion. This will see pumps of Marlborough Sav next to diesel at their filling stations, to ‘drive impulse bulk buying’.
- A ‘crush creche’ paddling pool full of Kiwi Sauvignon in the foyer of every store to keep children amused while their parents shop.
The pool will be connected to the store’s sprinkler system so shoppers can be greeted by a mist of Sauvignon on arrival.
‘It’s all a bit of theatre,’ grinned Cote-Estate. ‘And of course, it doesn’t matter if small kids pee in the pool because it won’t affect the flavour anyway.’
Pricefixer’s half price Sauvignon Zestival will be running from the end of the month until March 2023.
Thanks to Peter Stafford-Bow for his undercover reporting on this story. Peter is still in therapy for extreme pyrazine exposure, but you can find more of his work on his website here.