The UK government has begun its ambitious race against time to inoculate tens of thousands of pubs against the deadly Stay-at-homavirus.
The virus, which is easily spread by a lazy population with enormous TV screens, Sky Sports subscriptions and a fridge full of craft beers, has killed off hundreds of pubs every year since it was first spotted over a decade ago.
Clap for clerks
But 2020 has been the worst year yet. With a record 2000 venues dying since the start of the year, solicitors and estate agents have been in danger of being overwhelmed.
‘Ratty old boozers with underlying health problems, such as poor customer circulation or shortness of cash are always vulnerable to seasonal outbreaks of apathy,’ said Lars Torders of the Save Pubs Inns and Taverns pressure group, SPIT.
‘But this year even healthy pubs that serve overpriced slices of beef on old railway sleepers have ended up on life-support.
‘It’s been really bad news for makers of square plates and organic moss-infused IPA alike.’
Research teams have worked on several remedies, including one vaccine that removes potentially fatal old carpeting from venues, and another that latches on to terrible selections of beer.
A group at Nottingham university is attempting to develop an antidote that specifically targets wipe-clean plastic menus, though the health secretary Matt Handpump admitted that this would be a ‘moonshot’ scenario.
‘We hope to have inoculated all the country’s pubs by the middle of next year,’ he told Fake Booze. ‘Though obviously it could be sooner than that if they all keep dying off.’
Curtains for curtains
A Tudorbethan coaching inn on a bleak A-road in Lincolnshire was the first venue to receive the vaccine at 7 am this morning and by lunchtime had already begun to question its poor taste in furnishings.
‘These jabs give our members hope,’ said Torders. ‘I don’t think we will ever be fully rid of public indifference, but perhaps now we can find a way of living alongside it.’
When told about the exciting new developments by Fake Booze, member of the public Barry Belcher said ‘Yeah, whatever… pass the remote would you? Chelsea’s on soon.’