The House of Windsor has put itself on a collision course with the booze world by announcing that it is to launch an extensive series of royal-themed drinks brands.
The Her Maj range consists of a gin, vodka, rum, sparkling wine and IPA, with a zero-abv spirit, Deference, slated to launch in the New Year. All the drinks have already been awarded a Royal Warrant by their creator.
Controversially, Fake Booze understands that the Queen is planning to use her Christmas address to promote the project, and will argue that citizens have a patriotic duty to buy the bottles or face charges of treason.
Under ancient legislation, subjects found guilty of buying ‘moste seditious competitive drinkes’ could face being ‘beatenne to death bye a swanne’.
A PR for Diageo described such an outcome as ‘not ideal, customer-retention-wise.’
But royal spokesman, Sir Hugh Potty-Mouth was dismissive.
‘The Queen is in this for the long haul, and she’s not fucking around,’ he told Fake Booze. ‘It’s about building a legacy – something she can hand down to her grandchildren.
‘As well as half of the country, that is.’
Chosen by God
The House of Windsor’s new project is not the first royal drinks venture.
Felipe VI of Spain’s price-fighting range of La Manchan table wines recently won the ‘Best Royal Red under 6 Euros’ trophy at the Decanter World Wine Awards, while the king of Thailand’s ‘chilli finished whisky’ has found favour in Bangkok as an upmarket anti-mosquito spray.
But with six drinks in the range, Her Maj is a lot more ambitious than these – and other celebrity drinks.
‘This is nothing like those piles of crap made by kombucha-swigging Hollywood yoga-bunnies,’ said Potty-Mouth. ‘Liz and Phil regularly get off their tits on supermarket voddy so they know this world. She’s been planning something like this for years.’
The Queen claims to have been actively involved in everything from label design to the final blending.
She even came up with the range’s slogan: ‘Made by one for all.’
‘Liz II is used to sitting around watching unpalatable things age slowly, so she took to drinks production like a duck to water,’ said Potty-Mouth. ‘She’s far more than an empty figurehead.