Nodding Tory cliché Jacob Rees-Mogg has shocked absolutely no-one by making a ridiculous suggestion about booze that defies logic, science and all known safety norms.
Plastic fantastic
The MP – believed to be the result of a one-night stand between a pencil and a 19th century gents outfitters – told a group of bemused onlookers earlier this week that British sparkling wine could be packaged in plastic bottles.
It was, he said ‘one of the thousands of benefits we can take advantage of now that the UK is free of the shackles of the hated socialist EU’.
Impractical
Trade bodies, however, were quick to shoot the proposal down, pointing out that it was a ridiculous idea to put a liquid under that much pressure in a flimsy container and dress it up as a benefit of Brexit.
‘It’s just a token gesture that’s completely impractical,’ said Reg Ulations of the Wine and Spirit Trade Executive (WASTE).
‘A pointless expression of national sovereignty that is dangerous, expensive and could blow up in your face causing massive damage.
‘And putting wine in plastic bottles is a bad idea as well.’
Bogof now
The MP, however, said that this was just the start of a brave new world and the country needed to wake up and make the most of its exciting ‘global pariah’ status.
‘Just the other week Liz Truss was in South Korea signing a ground-breaking three-figure trade deal for British chutney,’ he said. ‘We could probably work wine into a lucrative Buy One Get One Free arrangement on the back of that.
‘Certainly the last time I visited everyone was shouting BOGOF at me the whole time I was there, so I’m sure they’d jump at the chance.’
VdRM
As well as his controversial packaging suggestion, the toff-based empire-marionette had several other ideas to drive British wine forward.
‘The future isn’t just about packaging wines in bottles that might explode,’ he said, ‘we also need to rename everything to make it more attractive to people.’
Reds, he suggested, could be called English Rioja, and sparklings rebranded as English Champagne. But whites, he admitted, were more difficult.
‘Ideally we’ll come up with something that captures their character of being thin, acidic and unaccountably expensive,’ he said.
‘Maybe Vins de Rees-Mogg?’
Old gag alert
Critics, however, said his ideas were the ‘ramblings of a lunatic who probably needed a good lie down – maybe on the front benches.’
‘Since most members of the government couldn’t find their arse in the dark with both hands we don’t expect them to come up with remotely sensible suggestions,’ said Slim Margins, MD of Uncritical Wines.
‘Though we’d have hoped for more than Rees-Mogg. After all, he’s a fully qualified MW.
‘Massive Wanker.’
Click here to read about how patriotism in drinks is to be made compulsory.
