French supermarket, Grande Connerie, has withdrawn a rosé from its shelves after reports from customers that they had found unacceptable ‘traces of flavour’ in the bottle.
Customers who have already bought Anémique Rosé 2021 are being told to return it to the nearest Petite Connerie Local or send it to US uber-critic Irvine Goldspaffer who will render it safe by giving it 100 points.
‘Obviously we are very sorry for the mistake,’ said Grande Connerie’s Head of Insincere Apologising, Parma Faute. ‘Our quality control team puts a lot of work into ensuring that our products are as bland as possible but this one seems to have slipped through the net.’
Doctors say that the affected rosé is not likely to be fatal though customers are still well advised to avoid it.
‘The flavour levels are still quite low,’ Dr Saqda Colostomie, told Fake Booze, ‘but the shock of imbibing a rosé that tastes of anything at all could cause some drinkers to feel confused and disoriented for a while.’
Questions are now being asked about just how rigorous the qualifying system is for the Provence appellation.
‘A total absence of any discernible flavour is very much a cornerstone of the Provence style,’ said the appellation’s head, Aida Perdrix.
‘With dreary grape varieties, huge yields and minimal skin contact we do everything we can to match the flavour to the colour of our wines – by ensuring that both have as little as possible.’
Critics have said they are as baffled by the wine’s receipt of the appellation as they are by the continued success of Provence rosé as a whole.
The supermarket was alerted to the problem via comments on social media.
‘I bought this pink for me and my girlfriends expecting it to taste as insipid as the Kylie pink,’ said Sue Perrin-Fluenceur, ‘but yuk! it had this weird wine taste thing going on’.
‘OMG gross. Anémique Rosé doesn’t deserve its name,’ commented Trey Martelée, before adding three ‘being sick’ emojis and a ‘poison’.
Better value options
Imogen Fairplay of consumer rights and testing magazine Wot? said that in their head to head analysis, Provence rosé frequently scored no better than other far cheaper options.
‘You can basically replicate it with tap water, a teaspoon of vodka and a couple of drops of cochineal,’ she told Fake Booze.
‘Gordon Ramsay’s Rosato Crapola is made that way, and it picked up a Platinum at the Decanter World Wine Awards.’
Click here to read about Gordon Ramsay’s range of wines; and here to read about Decanter’s new vibranium medals