The new Sarah Jessica Parker ‘Slovenly’ wine range has been hailed by fans for ‘proving beyond doubt that actors should stay the hell out of booze’.
‘Opportunistic celebrity bandwagon-jumping sets a high bar in terms of awfulness,’ said sleb-watcher Ivana Selfie. ‘But this new launch is right up there with Nadine Dorries’ literary output.
‘Given the sheer volume of bibulous A to Jay-Z list tosh that has been inflicted on us over the last 12 months, that’s really saying something.’
The Sex and the City star took time out from her usual exciting schedule of filming six episodes of utter tat every five years to team up with the same Kiwi wine company that makes Graham Norton’s Low Grade Booze That’s Quite Undrinkable (LGBTQ+) Sauvignon Blanc.
The box-ticking low alcohol range, Slovenly, is described as having ‘fewer than 100 calories per glass’ – though the company says that number can be reduced further if you choose not to drink it after the first mouthful.
Currently, the wines are only available in Australia, though, like Coronavirus, there are plans for it to go worldwide.
The range features a ‘fruity’ prosecco, a ‘fruity’ Sauvignon Blanc, a ‘fruity’ red blend with a ‘subtle kiss’ of oak and a deep-coloured, savoury, structured food rosé.
Though for reasons of consistency, that is also described as ‘fruity’.
The range – aimed at health-conscious fashion victims – has been described as ‘unimaginative’ and ‘patronising’, though some critics have been less kind in their assessments.
‘Slovenly is for the me, me, me generation,’ said winemaker Mr Large. ‘People who want to be mindful – by having a Mind that’s Full of nothing.’
The decision to bottle the new Sarah Jessica Parker wines at 7% abv is crucial to their ‘healthy’ positioning.
‘True wine lovers won’t touch lower alcohol wine with a barge-pole,’ said Mr Large. ‘And anyone not drinking for health or religious reasons won’t go near it either.
‘So we’ve literally done everything we can to reduce people’s alcohol consumption – by encouraging them not to drink it under any circumstances.
‘Add Sarah Jessica Parker into the mix and that just about completes the job.’
Puttin the vin into bovine
While many celebrities with drinks don’t get involved until the ‘profits’ stage, the bovine clothes horse is reported to have been ‘heavily involved’ with every aspect of production, from saying ‘yes that looks like wine’ during blending to ‘I quite like blue’ at the design stage.
A picture of her rosé next to a pair of shocking pink ‘SJP’ high heels is already in the running for ‘most demoralizing press photo of the year’ in the Drinks Business ‘Pay to Play’ awards.
‘It’s hard to know how this entire episode could be any more uplifting,’ said drinks writer Frances Jobbinson.
‘Now if you’ll excuse me, having seen a century of hard-won female emancipation endorsed overnight, I now need to scoop my eyeballs out with a spoon.’