Never mind us, save old journalists, say old vines

old typewriter
Pic: Pixnio

Old vines have launched an appeal to save what they describe as ‘something even more endangered than us: old journalists.’

‘There’s been a lot of talk over the last ten years about the need to save 60 year old plants,’ said an old Grenache vine yesterday. ‘But what about 60 year old wine writers?

‘I know they’re not much to look at and don’t produce a great deal but like it or not they’re a cherished part of our drinks heritage and it would be a shame if they were lost for ever.

‘At least, it would in a couple of cases.’

Perfectly adapted

Mr Grenache’s comments were backed up by bush vine Carrie Nan from a vineyard in the south of France.

‘These specimens are so perfectly suited to their environment,’ she told Fake Booze. ‘The deep roots of their public school education allow them to survive for months on end with little more than Michelin-starred lunches and icon wines.

‘And you don’t need to spray them with facts or research – their articles allow for very low intervention journalism.

‘So we should cherish them while we can and not laugh at the fact that they don’t know what Tik Tok is.’

Perfectly adopted

The vines have suggested an ‘Adopt a Hack’ scheme where members of the public can pay a small amount to ‘rent’ a journalist for a year.

This, they say, will safeguard their survival and dissuade editors from uprooting them for a younger model that will knock out two articles, an Instagram reel and half a dozen provocative tweets before lunchtime.

For £50 they would get a copy of the writer’s book on the wines of Southern Italy (remaindered in 1987), a couple of paragraphs of bespoke curmudgeonly whingeing, and a signed photograph.

For £100 participants will get exactly the same, but without the photograph.

What is old?

The proposal has run into problems, with some questioning exactly how the vines plan to define what constitutes an old writer.

However Mr Grenache said that the signs were obvious, provided you knew what to look for.

‘Old hacks are gnarled and twisted,’ he told Fake Booze. ‘And they’re much thicker than younger specimens.

‘Particularly round the waist and between the ears.’

Quality over quantity

The Venerable and Ancient Journalists Aren’t Zeroes League (VAJAZZLE) has praised the vines for their initiative.

‘It’s easy to dismiss old hacks for not being very productive,’ said a spokesman, ‘especially after lunch or when the cricket’s on.

‘But people need to look beyond volume of output to the sheer quality of what’s being produced.

‘Which  is also pretty ropey for the most part.’

Oldest ever

The oldest wine writer in existence is thought to be Humphrey Chunky-Cords, who is 114 years old and has written the same four articles every year since at least 1947.

He was voted ‘One to Watch’ by Decanter in 2012, still can’t tell the difference between Merlot and Pinot Noir and holds the record for awarding the highest numbers of bronze medals ever (174) in a single day’s judging, at the International Wine Challenge in 1996.

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