The drinks world has been stunned by news from Andalucia that sherry is planning an audacious bid to supplant champagne as the spy’s drink of choice in the next Bond film.
The idea is the brainwave of the Council for the Export of Spanish Sherry Products and International Trade (CESSPIT).
Chairman Paco Lies said the body was planning to stake its next 20 years of funding – several thousand Euros – on an all-or-nothing gamble to resurrect the drink’s fortunes.
‘Bond brought people back to the cinema when it was dying on its arse,’ he told Fake Booze. ‘We think he can do the same for us.
‘And frankly we’ve tried everything else.’
Odeon = odious
Film critic Mo Bileoff said that she could see some logic to the thinking and rated the plan ‘four stars – well worth a look’.
‘People stopped going to the cinema because it seemed old fashioned, smelled funny and sold expensive things that don’t taste good,’ she said.
‘So there are clearly some parallels with sherry.’
From copita with love
‘We can totally see Bond seducing a two-dimensional female character with a nice glass of fino rather than champagne,’ said Senor Lies. ‘Provided he serves the wine out of the correct glass of course.
‘And at the right temperature.
‘And ideally with a nice plate of squid.’
Scooters and shooters
CESSPIT says that it has a crack team already brainstorming how to adapt signature Bond elements to accommodate the region and its products.
Early suggestions include a four hour lunch, a flamenco dance-off and a set-piece battle over some particularly virulent flor with some unscrupulous Montilla producers.
The ubiquitous car chase, they said, could be replaced by a ‘high speed tapas crawl followed by a nice lie down.’
We’ll call you…
A spokesman for the Bond franchise said the suggestions were ‘under consideration’ and would ‘certainly bring a distinctive new flavour to the next film.
‘Specifically a weird, pungent one that most people don’t like.’
The world’s most famous superspy is more habitually associated with vodka martinis or champagne.
But Milka Franchise of the 007 Appreciation Society said that her members would not have a problem with him switching to sherry… provided he didn’t touch PX.
‘Since he’s drunk Smirnoff in the past, he’s clearly not all that fussy about what he puts in his mouth,’ she told Fake Booze. ‘But he’s not a total fucking idiot.’
Read here about how Bollinger radically put a picture of a man and a car on some cardboard; or here to learn about how dinosaurs invented sherry.