Marginslasher supermarket has launched what it describes as ‘the most realistically lacklustre range of drinks yet’ for Valentines Day.
The supermarket’s head of opportunistic sales, Shark Mormon, told Fake Booze that the specially badged ‘Thrill is Gone’ bottles are a ‘range of utterly dull, uninspiring products that perfectly sum up the state of 98% of marriages in the world today.’
The drinks, which come with a free blister pack of Viagra, have been ‘curated’ rather than ‘selected’ and include Smirnoff’s ‘quintuple filtered’ Project Yawn, Gordon’s Gin, six expressions of Glenlivet and the entire Gallo wine portfolio.
Times have changed
Celebrated ‘voice of the dads’ blogger @Menopause said the range filled a growing gap in the market.
‘Like it or not you have to go through the motions on Valentines Day,’ said Ben O’Pause.
‘The days of just leaving a card and some BP forecourt flowers next to your partner’s breakfast are long gone, sadly.’
Perfect outlet
The supermarket said that the products were perfect for people who no longer communicated, couldn’t afford a divorce and needed a symbolic expression of their disappointment and bitterness.
‘In the old days, the only way of expressing how far your marriage has sunk was to sit in silence in a bad restaurant for two hours, which was both boring and expensive,’ said Marginslasher’s Shark Mormon.
‘But presenting a bottle of Sexless Shiraz or Taste the Indifference gin will allow you to show just how much your partner means to you while you’re doing something much more fun, such as doomscrolling Twitter or watching the Superbowl highlights.’
More to come
Marginslasher says that if the Valentines idea is successful it might follow them up with Trial Separation, Romance is Dead and Let’s Get Divorced ranges.
‘There are plenty of products in our portfolio that are bad enough to send exactly the right message,’ said Mormon. ‘And that’s without even including the alcohol-free wines.’
Fitting, really
Wine writer Francis Jobbinson gave the new range a cautious welcome.
She told Fake Booze that an empty gesture that allows people to make it look like they care even when they don’t was ‘an innovative solution to a very real problem’ and also ‘A lot like most drinks’ companies’ policies on inclusion and diversity.’
Click here to read about the ten top drinks gifts to annoy your partner on Valentine’s Day.
