Journalists at the BBC (Blandly Biddable Content-producer) have proved that they are happy to swallow anything if it’s handed to them on a plate… except for sweet wine.
Massive scoop
In a truly sensational exclusive, the broadcaster has shown that an adult could reach their recommended daily sugar limit after drinking just TWO glasses of wine. If the wine was incredibly sweet to start with.
Based on completely reputable and in no way biased research by the pressure group Alcohol Will Fuck up Your Life (AWFUL), the article revealed, shockingly, that:
ALL sweet wines contained sugar
SOME contained quite a lot
MANY were on SALE in the shops.
Drinks industry figures have described the article as ‘a damning indictment – particularly of the standards of journalism within the BBC.’
Final nail
But Noah Aybeevi from AWFUL said that their findings were a nail in the coffin for the wine industry.
‘We all knew wine contains alcohol, which instantly gives you cancer,’ he told Fake Booze.
‘But now it turns out millions of bottles also contain huge amounts of sugar, which will make you overweight, unhappy and diabetic.’
Selectively misrepresenting the facts, he said ‘proved that wine is as dangerous as napalm’.
‘Make no mistake,’ he added, ‘if the alcohol doesn’t get you, the sugar will.
‘And if the wine guys shoot down this argument I’m sure we’ll find something else next week.’
Ego cirrhosis
Industry experts have questioned the findings in the report, describing them as ‘alarmist’, ‘one-sided’ and ‘total bollocks’.
‘Nearly all wines are dry,’ said drinks writer Frances Jobbinson. ‘And even Eiswein is less cloying than the average BBC costume drama.’
Psychologists, too, have pointed out that anyone drinking half a bottle of Barfit Moscato a day is more likely to die of shame than cirrhosis or diabetes.
Villainous
But AWFUL said it stood by its findings.
‘We were at pains in our research to assess average wines on sale today,’ said Aybeevi.
‘And let’s face it, Barfit Moscato, Echo Fouls and Blossom Hell are about as average as it gets.’
The group said that in supermarkets full of frozen desserts, ready meals and floor-to-ceiling confectionery it was clear that wine provided the greatest risk of sugar overdose, describing it as ‘the villain hiding in plain sight’.
Mortality Index
Health bodies are calling for drinks to provide more information about what they contain and are pushing for a special ‘skull and cross bones’ information sticker that gives every drink a ‘mortality index’.
Under current proposals, this would range from 95 – ‘will probably kill you in the future’ to 100 – ‘will kill you instantly just by looking at it’.
Drab Forecast from the Wine and Spirit Trade Executive (WASTE) said that the industry was happy to work with health bodies on the issue.
But he admitted there was ‘a large gap’ between the latter’s proposals and the drinks world’s preferred solution of making comprehensive ingredient information available to consumers by ‘placing it securely in a bin bag at the top of a tree.’
Better research
‘The industry needs to be engaging with these difficult health issues,’ said Col M Inches from the Union of Drinkswriters.
‘But poorly researched articles with an anti-drink agenda aren’t the way to do it.
‘We need poorly researched articles with a pro-drink agenda instead.’
Click here to learn how wine will both kill you and help you live longer; and here to discover the EU’s bold plans for ‘no and low’ fun wine.
