Trade throws surprise ‘clean’ party to celebrate Avaline’s anniversary

Pic: Silar, Wikimedia Commons

The wine trade gathered this weekend to commemorate the first anniversary of transformative ‘clean wine’ Avaline.

Activities included sticking pins into a large plasticine bottle, dancing round a burning pyre of emetic press releases and chanting rude slogans.

Know your enema

‘We’re touched to see our friends in the world of wine coming together to celebrate our success in this way,’ said Avaline’s marketing manager, Ava Line. ‘Though we don’t recommend acting on their suggestion as to where you should ‘stick your clean wine’.

‘We see it as a drink more than an enema.’

The need for seed

The brand, which said their own invitation to the party must have got ‘lost in the post’ admitted they were ‘puzzled’ by any negativity from within the trade, and that inter-professional jealousy was unfounded.

‘We’re no different from any other producer anywhere in the world,’ said Ms Line. ‘Our success is proof that anyone can make it.

‘At least, they can provided they have $10m dollars of seed funding and the backing of a string of Hollywood A-listers with huge social media followings.’

Live forever

After a successful first year, that has seen it inflict not just white and rosé but also red and sparkling on US consumers, Avaline says it now plans to expand worldwide.

‘There’s a real appetite for wines that are organic, vegan, naturally high in marketing and credibility-free,’ said Ms Line. ‘We’re passionate that nobody – no matter where they live – should escape our brand of self-righteous, quasi-religious lifestyle drivel.’

Critics have described the brand’s consumers as ‘credulous quinoa-hugging fools’ and ‘bored lifestyle yummies who think that drinking something with tick-box health claims will prolong their meaningless existence by a few more years.’

But Avaline maintains that its customers are simply people who want ‘a lifestyle that’s free of all the bad things in life, such as additives, chemicals and facts.’

Disrespecting tradition

At the party, the trade lined up to pay tribute to the way the clean wine brand has rewritten the wine marketing rule-book.

‘What Avaline are doing is a disgrace and runs counter to everything that wine stands for,’ praised Lorraine Quiche of Domaine Sansargent in the Languedoc.

‘Namely, slathering our vineyards with chemicals, treating consumers with disdain and going slowly bankrupt over several generations.’

Click here to read about Goop’s summer launch of its plutonium-free range of wines; and here to read about the ‘rule-free’ Easy Wine movement

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