UK drinks producers to offer free fish with every bottle

Illo: Rob 'Mullet' Johnson

The UK government has asked the country’s drinks companies for a ‘noble sacrifice’ to ease their Brexit deadlock.

As of next week, wine, spirit and beer producers are being told to offer at least one free fish with every bottle of booze sold into the European Union.

In cod we trust

The government hopes that the ‘Buy Wine Get Cod Free’ scheme could break the impasse over fishing rights since it gives Europeans free access to British fish while protecting UK sovereignty of its waters.

‘Fishing is just too big an industry to see fail,’ said Jim Pending-Chaos of the government’s Brexit Balls-up Committee (BBC). ‘So it’s essential that smaller industries such as drinks, finance and construction do the noble thing and sacrifice what little profitability they have in a futile gesture of empty nationalism.’

When told that the policy could send many drinks companies to the wall,  Pending-Chaos told Fake Booze that ‘Everyone has to come together at a time of national emergency – and we should know since we created it.’

The government is hopeful that lorry-loads of fish could be rotting in a gridlocked Kent lorry park as early as the end of next week.

‘We just think this is a brill opportunity,’ said prime minister Boarfish Johnson. ‘Drinks companies love being sole suppliers so we’d urge every producer to mullet over. Make no mistake, this offers a real ray of hope for the fishing industry, and anyone who doesn’t like it can kiss my bass.

‘Or my wrass.’

No more fish puns. Honest

But the Wine and Spirit Trade Association’s Miles Eel was sceptical.

‘This scheme could be an absolute recipe for disaster for our members,’ he told Fake Booze. ‘Or at very least a rather odd-tasting bouillabaisse.

‘At one fell swoop it could reduce the British drinks industry to a hollowed out shell in the smoking ruins of a post-apocalyptic economic landscape.

’That said, it’s still better than anything else the government has come up with on Brexit.’