Ukraine ‘better at booze than France’ say judges

Ukraine Frenchman
Frenchman pic: Nicholas Jones, Creative Commons

Ukraine has emerged as the red-hot favourite to scoop the top awards at every drinks competition being held this year.

Big winner

Previously, the country’s best performance was a ‘Mildly Commended’ award in the International Wine and Spirit Competition, for a white wine made of the Djerkov grape, and a DoubleBronze medal for a vodka at the San Francisco Spirits Jamboree in 1975.

But following the country’s runaway success in Eurovision, bookmakers have now stopped taking bets on the war-torn country picking up a clean sweep of top awards at drinks competitions across the globe.

‘We’d always overlooked Ukraine’s potential as a top quality booze producing nation,’ said Golda Meddle of the New York Booze Competition. ‘Mainly because it wasn’t.

‘But I’ve a feeling that we could be setting that right this year.’

Pro-democratic system

Meddle said that the competition’s judges would, be using a new ‘pro-democratic’ judging system that allowed them to make free and fair selections, by ‘freely and fairly choosing the drinks from Ukraine over everyone else’s.’

Such a process would, she said, ‘allow us all to send a clear message to Vladimir Putin that we think he’s a murdering psychopath without us all ending up strung up by our thumbs in a KGB basement.’

Just the start

Already this year, Ukraine has picked up 24 Golds and three trophies in the Pointless Regional French Wine Competition. These included Best In Show, Best Non Russian Wine and Best Wine to Irritate a Delusional Despot.

And Orla Winner, head of the Easy Medals Equivalent to Investment Competition (EMETIC), told Fake Booze that this was probably just the beginning.

‘Obviously, Ukraine is best-known for its vodka,’ she said. ‘But its wines are fascinating too.’

According to Ms Winner, EMETIC was expecting great things from the Krapanasti white – recognisable by its ‘strong aromas of moral outrage and an understandable core of bitterness’.

‘It’s brilliant with bog trout,’ she said. ‘While the red Barfup variety really comes into its own if you have a stubbornly blocked sink’.

Des Francais malcontents

However other countries have complained that drinks judging is becoming politicised and the results are no longer to be taken seriously.

‘It is completely wrong that the tasters seem to be biased in favour of anything made in the Ukraine,’ Tweeted Rose-Anne Segla of Chateau Croquet-Mallet in Bordeaux.

‘They should be biased in favour of us, like they usually are.’

Saying niet

The Russian government refused to comment on Ukraine’s newfound competition success, but told Fake Booze there was a ‘good chance that several other peace-loving countries on its western border could soon be winning lots of medals as well.’

Click here to read about last year’s shock results in the EMETIC competition

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