Share prices in champagne have surged following reports that scientists have found a vaccine that is ‘90% effective’ against prosecco.
Developed by a team at the Université de Bulles in Reims and pharma company Fizzer the vaccine could be on the market as early as next year.
The president of the Champagne Growers Association praised the work by the French team, saying that it marked ‘a huge step in slowing down the spread of frothy foreign piss.’
Genetically modified
The vaccine works by taking something entirely neutral – usually cava – and adding in genetic code from bubble bath to create something that closely mirrors the flavour and texture of prosecco.
The hope is that by introducing the human body to small amounts of the drink at an early stage it will learn to reject it later in life.
In tests, volunteers who took the vaccine were 80% less likely to want to drink prosecco than those who took a placebo. Though some experienced mild symptoms of self-loathing none actually died of shame, which renders it officially no more dangerous than Stella Artois.
Unprosecc-edented
Prosecco started in northern Italy and proved highly contagious once it got into the marketing chain. It has spread worldwide, leading to a massive fall in productivity and a huge rise in the number of drunken arguments at book clubs.
‘The speed with which prosecco has ruined palates worldwide is quite unprecedented,’ said Boo Zyrouge, of the Council for the Removal of All Prosecco (CRAP).
‘This new vaccine might come too late for millions, but hopefully we can at least ensure that future generations will be able to drink something halfway decent and not have to self-isolate in embarrassment.’
Note of caution
Although there was wide rejoicing at the news from Reims, scientists at the Université de Bulles were quick to sound a note of caution.
‘Viral drinks are always mutating,’ said professor Rhys Urch-Grant. ‘That’s how they stay alive.’
‘We’ve already noticed a rosé version appearing this autumn and, with plenty of gullible consumers out there, we’re sure there will be more opportunistic product development to come.’
The effects of so-called ‘long prosecco’ – drinking it in cocktails – were, he said, as yet unknown, but ‘we don’t expect them to be pretty.’
Heard-it immunity
Even with the vaccine, the professor warned that it could still be a while before society developed the crucial ‘heard-it-all-before immunity’.
‘But even then it’s quite possible that things will never get back to how they were before,’ said Urch-Grant. ‘We may just have to face up to the fact that the days of over-ripe Aussie Chardonnays or Blue Nun could be gone for good.
‘Thank God.’
Click here to read about how the Bacardi bat became a victim of Coronavirus, and here to read about the explosive growth of the hand sanitiser cocktail market
