The drinks world was in mourning last night, as Wetherspoons CEO, Tim Martin, became the first human being to die of irony poisoning*.
Doctors said the boss of the Wetherspoons pub chain ‘exploded peacefully’ at his home at the weekend, surrounded by a furious army of followers on social media.
‘To be honest, this has been in the post for a while,’ said Professor Ira Knee from the University of Topical and Humorous Diseases. ‘Tim had been recording incredibly high levels of anger, and incredibly low levels of self-awareness for years, and after a while the contradictions just caught up with him.’
Inalienable rights
According to Professor Knee, medical advisers had repeatedly attempted to get Martin to modify his fact-free and anger-heavy lifestyle, either by taking small amounts of humility or occasionally shutting the fuck up. But to no avail.
‘He just told us we were meddling with his freedoms, and it was his inalienable right to keep talking utter balls for as long as there was breath left in his body,’ said Professor Knee.
Martin’s defence of looking like a ham sculpture of Noddy Holder, she said, would have offered ‘little protection.’
Heroic stance
Bud Weiser of the pressure group Pubs Are Not Totally Screwed (PANTS) said the Wetherspoon’s boss’s willingness to expose himself to high levels of paradox in spite of the obvious dangers was an inspiration.
‘From championing Brexit to questioning Covid safety measures, he was always prepared to stand up for what he believed in,’ said Weiser. ‘Even when it was not in the interests of his business, his staff or his customers.’
‘Or, indeed, backed up by the facts.’
Russian bot
‘Tim was a total legend,’ tweeted @russianbot666. ‘He saw through the suited doomsters and snowflake gloom-mongers and called it how it was.
‘Even when it wasn’t.’
Sticky carpets
Martin spontaneously combusted last night in the middle of a rant about how ‘lazy Poles are making my pub carpets sticky by refusing to work in a country that won’t let them in’.
His supporters said it was ‘how he’d have wanted to go’ and ‘probably the EU’s fault.’
Click here to read about the EU’s plans to make wines 50% less fun.
*on the off chance that you actually think that Fake Booze is a real news site, we’d like to point out that Tim Martin is not dead. Nor is it possible to die of a surfeit of irony. Gullibility, however, can be fatal.
