English winery accused of treason over ‘non-coronation’ launch


A UK winery has been charged with treason for not creating a commemorative new label for the royal coronation.

Missing Marque Estate said it was an honest mistake and would appeal against the decision.

‘I’m afraid I was too busy short-selling the pound to finance my wine label which, of course, loses money hand over fist,’ said the estate’s owner, Lord Hugh Jego. 

‘And honestly the coronation hasn’t made much impression on me because I’m planning to be on my yacht knocking back Champagne in the Mediterranean that weekend. Besides, have you tried matching coronation chicken with English wine? In fact, have you tried matching anything with English wine?’

Poor excuse

Critics, however, have said that this excuse isn’t good enough. 

‘Literally every other product in the UK has knocked out a Monarch’s Mediocrity coronation line,’ said Naomi Place of the Subservient English Retail Federation (SERF). ‘So I don’t see why Hugh Jego should get away with it.

‘He might say that he is appealing, but you should try his wine. I can assure you that it’s anything but.’

A commemorative bottle was, she said, a way of ‘celebrating our history, showing that we venerate inherited privilege and fleecing the gullible who will buy anything with a Union flag on it.’

Missed opportunity

The English wine group Make England Great Again (MEGA) have said that, right or wrong, Missing Marque Estate is missing a trick.

‘If you bought a commemorative plate for the Queen’s coronation in 1952, it would be practically worthless today,’ said Fay Ling-Business of Overdraft Hills. 

‘So just think how much a bottle of our 2022 Chucky’s Lugs Bubbly Royale will go for in 25 years’ time, when Charles celebrates his Silver Jubilee at the age of 100.

‘That’s right, nothing at all. But maybe by then the acid will have a least died back enough to make it halfway drinkable.’

Thoroughly modern monarch

However some have questioned whether paying tribute to an unelected head of state is the right approach in this day and age.

‘This kind of forelock-tugging behaviour sends totally the wrong message about the UK,’ said business policy adviser, Connie Sultant.

‘We’re not some medieval throwback, but a modern, forward-thinking banana republic that believes in the power of business and the rule of law.

‘As you can see by our decision to tank our economy and ship asylum seekers to unsafe havens.’ 

Great match

However Madeline Angevine for the Sparkling Producers of English Wine (SPEW) said they felt that an abundance of regal rejects was the perfect way for the industry to pay tribute.

‘People complain that the royal family is clueless, non-meritocratic and lacking in both taste and talent,’ she said.

‘So really they’re a perfect fit for the drinks world.’ 

Click here to read about how the Queen (gawd bless her) launched her own range of sparkling wine

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