The wine trade are calling on everyone to get behind a new campaign for vaguely alcoholic fruit juice.
‘Beaujolais No Way Day is the perfect way of capturing what the region really means to people these days,’ said organiser Fleurie Morgon.
‘Which isn’t very much.’
Fête worse than death
‘We think the world is really in the mood for a huge non-celebration,’ she told Fake Booze. ‘So we’re expecting a really rousing display of public indifference.’
The group says that it has non-parties arranged all over Europe, and is expecting a huge amount of non-coverage on TV and social media.
‘Mark my words,’ said Morgon, ‘people are not going to be buying this stuff in their droves.’
Squid Gamay
The Beaujolais No Way Day team admit that some people might still be tempted to try a bottle of Nouveau, but are urging the public to ‘make a special effort for just one day’ and buy something else instead.
‘If someone invites you to part with your hard-earned cash for a bottle of what tastes like motorway toilet-cleaner, we’re calling on everyone to sigh, shrug and change the subject to something more wholesome, like Squid Game,’ said Morgon.
Plus ça change
Traditional merchants admit that the campaign marks a big shift in emphasis from the uncritical hedonism of 30 years ago.
‘The 1980s was all about toffs in red braces driving vintage cars full of French piss-water back to braying city idiots,’ said Dusty Ledger of Corduroy & Boring wine merchants.
‘But nowadays people are a lot more concerned with what’s actually in the bottle.
‘It’s a disaster.’
Aux armes, vignerons
In France, too, the fireworks and parties are expected to give way to something a lot more muted.
The authorities are planning to combine this year’s release with a socially distanced protest over fishing rights and a near-riot about Covid immunisation.
A spokesman admitted that this ‘might not sound like much, but it’s probably about as much fun as standing in the cold drinking four-week-old Beaujolais.’
The British government has accused the French of ‘encouraging immigrants to smuggle bottles in in sinking dinghies.’
Promo-crap
Fake Booze spoke to Joanna Public outside its local Pricefixer supermarket to see what she thought of the inspired new campaign.
‘I can’t believe people used to be taken in by that Beaujolais Nouveau nonsense,’ she said. ‘It was just characterless fruity rubbish – they only bought it because of the marketing.
‘Now if you excuse me I’ve just got to stock up on my Gary Barlow Spanish white wine. It’s on buy one get two free.
‘And I love Take That.’
Robocrap
A robo-taster for drinks writer Francis Jobbinson’s website said that it had already speed-tasted all of this year’s Nouveau releases and, after careful consideration, had scored each one 16.5/20.
‘They’re expensive, joyless and generally shit,’ said Oenodroid 356. ‘So they capture the spirit of 2021 perfectly.’
Click here to read about Angelina’s launch of ‘Jolie’s Nouveau Beau Day’ last year and here to read about Gary Barlow’s new sleb wine
